we're so hood

Yeah.... scary..... this is what happens around midnight at family gatherings...

bunch of dancing goombas

my dad=biggest goomba (he's the one with the walker move)
my brother on the other hand... he's got moves you've never seen! the camera can't even keep up...

Heath men cannot dance. But they are huge hams in front of a rolling camera.

dog sweaters.....

This Christmas we made a whole grip of videos and posted them on youtube... mostly to amuse my teenage cousins. This is one of the best I think... Poor Wendy. hehe

prayers and grace

thank God for the light that overcomes

i have really attractive friends

Hey what can I say? Like attracts like... but really if you're my friend, chances are your appearance is above average.

Still skeptical?

Case and point.... I was hanging out with my friend Sarah today in Borders while she worked on grad school apps. and I read Paul Coelho's The Fifth Mountain. There was a red-headed gentleman seated in the armchair next to Sarah who seemed especially disinterested in his Stephen King book as he threw longing glances at her and laughed extra hard at some of Stephen King's.... well-known wit?? (we can only hope)

We were there for at least 2 hours and I knew he was mustering up the courage to say something to her. She was not oblivious to his enamored state, especially when he turned to strike up some inane chit-chat about people seeking solace in the presence of strangers.... Anyway as we were preparing to leave, he suddenly turned to leave as well. weird. He handed her his Stephen King book, Gunslinger.... "Here," he said, "It's $1.99." Then he walked away.

Inside the book was a mysterious note. It said, "Hi Sarah" and then had a code that required looking in the book for certain pages and words.

So cryptic.... and kind of creepy. It ended up saying "You have a beautiful baby." I think he was going for face, but must have miscounted on that last page.

Wherever you are Gunslinger.... thanks for making us laugh and thanks for not following us to our car.

read the sign... above the door... it's not for everyone...

Something I'm enjoying right now:

Making new playlists since the old ones are lost.... including my favorites: glide, hippie love, my boys, among others. I like making obscure names for playlists that no one gets but me and are more flexible than "pop", "classical", etc.

Listening to "The Book Lovers" by Broadcast Lyrics... listen to it, it's good.

p.s. I went to one of Bayside's 11 services yesterday. whoa. it was crazy! I felt like I was at some Christmas rock show. One of my favorite parts was the opening rock version of the nutcracker with a ballerina silhouette dancing across the screens, light show, fog machines, simulated snow, and dueling electric guitars. In the words of Sarah Shotwell, "I almost had a seizure." Oh man, but so good. Here's what I'm talking about... some highlights of last year... if you look close you can spot my mom singing...



And in the words of my sister... Merry Christlemas!

Apparently I have an aversion to meat, mostly red and/or processed meats. Ugh... the pain.

YES!!!

ok so I officially work with the greatest teacher ever! First of all what other teacher do you know that lets the kids use power tools in class to make reindeer for their lawns? Yeah and there's always my amazing gift....

I love the Muppet Show! And I mentioned in passing how excited I was that they have dvd sets now and she remembered! Yay for Christmas and for my sweet kids who treated us today. Good times.

My day just got better...


with this Office motivational calendar!!

Oh how it glows....

So I always try to finish my shopping before the mad rush of the 2 weeks or so before Christmas. Unfortunately, I usually fail in this endeavor. But I did get some amazing gifts for some people. Nevertheless my futile attempt to harbor my small vestiges of Christmas spirit failed this afternoon as I set off to buy gifts for my impossible-to-buy-for sister and coworkers.

As I went through the stores frantically scanning the merchandise for something appropriate. I felt bombarded by the materialism. I think we all feel it. Weaving through aisles and around displays, the faces of fellow shoppers sympathize with pained expressions, sighs, and half-hearted smiles as they rub their throbbing temples. My personal favorite is the puff sigh.

In order to cope with overwhelming situations I blow air out of my mouth by sticking out my bottom lip so that the air is directed up my face. Try it sometime.

Thank goodness for children who don't know any better. Yay for buying the kiddos some gifts tomorrow at the (unfortunately) very uncrowded Lakeshore Learning store.

But hey highlight of the day was spotting this little beauty at Henry's... check out this beauty:

I miss you Dwight!!! I dreamt that the strike went on so long that Dwight was leaving and Stanley's hair had turned grey. Sad times.

oh Ashton....

my sister made this video for our family... it's... well,.... quite frightening actually. Oh man... too much....

Trying to keep perspective...

Let me tell my story in the format of one of my favorite children's stories, Fortunately.

Fortunately, Jenny knew that the semester was almost over.

Unfortunately, there were dozens of final assignments to complete before she was through.

Fortunately, the weekend was here and promised plenty of time to work and relax.

Unfortunately, her roommate took over the house for a party for some kids so I was homeless on Saturday.

Fortunately, I worked and spent time with good friends.

Unfortunately, the cost of taking her car in for a "check-up" were steadily increasing.

Fortunately, she finished a large paper.

Unfortunately, her printer is malfunctioning and is, therefore, useless.

Fortunately, Jenny went to work to spend time with beautiful children.

Unfortunately, she was tired.

Fortunately, her friend is home from Africa!!!

Unfortunately, her car needs another new part, cost $545.

Fortunately, she is going to a party tonight.

The score:
Academics: +4
Finances: -5
Social life: +6

Worrying is useless, especially for me. But right now I'm having a hard time having joy in this season.

waiting

I love English tea in the morning. The ancient, dark taste with some sugar and cream, never skim milk.

I see clouds rising from the base of Saddleback mountain. The ground is still wet as the sun rises higher.

Here I sit at the start of the day in Panera waiting for my car to be done with its service. My plans include: drinking this tea, writing my final papers, and eventually going to hang out with Kaytie. Little adventures...

Anyway, a little more stalling my work. Things I'm thinking about:

-Shutterfly is a great website. I just made a really sweet photo book for my mom, but it cost triple what I was hoping to spend this year.
-Spending so much money on people who already have more than enough feels strange sometimes. No offense to anyone, but next year I'm thinking about doing something different.... maybe I'll have a service for us to do together in the community and for their gift they'll get a clue about what we're doing. Ideas anyone?
-I really want to move, and I will when I find a suitable alternative.
-Eventually I want to move out of southern ca. to someplace exciting... San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Portland, Seattle, Denver, New York, etc. hmm we'll see.
-I miss foothill and mountain country.... I always dream of this house:

-I want to learn how to play the piano and guitar.
-Also, I really want to learn how to speak Italian, German, Swedish, Russian, or some combination of those.
-Write books....
-Traveling to South America, Africa, Asia, Australia.
-I'm determined not to be one of those people who wished they did things. I need stories to tell my grandchildren! haha
-Only a week longer until I see my dear friend again...

something sarcastic

I'm that leader that you want around when the boys are elbowing and kicking their friends and throwing paper at the girls. Apparently the sermon about the despair and hate that the world has to offer and God's indwelling presence and hope to come wasn't as riveting as they would have liked. Unfortunately for them I'm that leader who will tell them to be quiet and when they don't listen go sit nice and cozy with them. Oh lovely.

Jr. high boys... proof that God's grace is boundless.

I'm in class and I still find the novelty of using a computer stealthily in class very interesting.

Currently there's a mess of literacy materials on the table including the remnants of coffee and snacks. We're listening to a lecture about second language learners.

Enfin, je suis fatigué et j'ai mal aux pieds.

an interior monologue

Just some background... So I haven't been to the gym in a long time... Not quite sure when I last went. Anyway, I finally got a membership at 24 down here and at a gym I had never been to before. The following is some excerpts of my internal dialogue from my visit:

"Ok, I look pretty good. I'm ready to go!"

[Walking into the workout room] "Wow, there are a lot of people here.... Ok quick go get on a machine! Look like you know what you're doing here!.... Treadmill, a classic"

"Crap. I hate these machines that face the mirror. Where do I look? I don't want to stare at myself, oh excuse me, my form. But I don't want to be the girl looking at everyone else, nor do I want to watch whatever is on tv. Hmm the treadmill screen, now that's riveting!... Checking heart rate.... 170?! I'm only speedwalking at 3.5 mph! Ok that's why I'm here."

"Ok 15 minutes of cardio... now where is the weight room... Uh I'll just walk upstairs. Could there be more people? Sheesh!"

"Alright, weights. I'm good at weights... but where do I start?"

"Time for some free weights. Mm yeah not that sissy stuff!.... Ok where are the lighter ones?..... Oh excuse me huge buff men, I'm looking for those little weights over there, don't mind me... 17.5 lb, yeah that should be ok..."

"Ow ow ow.... ok maybe it's just a tad too heavy. 12 lbs. much better..."

"Hmmm my arms are shaking and my face looks pained. I look like a weakling. No one mind me as I go ahead and grab the 7.5 lb. weight. Ugh I feel like this:

"Hehe spongebob... that guy just looked at you funny--stop laughing to yourself!"

"Well that was a good workout, I'll just go over here and do some inclined crunches.... Alright, how do I get on this thing? Ok inconspicuously look at the lady next to you... Don't mind me if I wobble around on this thing trying to insert my legs and feet into random equipment. Well, I'm committed, can't walk away now. 5 crunches sounds great. I'm done!"

remembering

Remember life is just a memory
Remember close your eyes and you can see
Remember think of all that life can be
Remember

Dream, love is only in a dream, remember
Remember life is never as it seems. Dream

Long ago, far away
Life was clear, close your eyes


I like the way certain mundane things can speak to us... like movies.

Maybe it's because we usually watch movies to unwind, so our guard is down. Either way, when I watch a movie, a good movie, the blend of well-spoken dialogue, a meaningful plot, and music move around in my mind and spin a web.

This weekend, I watched 2 that made me think... they lit me up I suppose... They reminded me that there's much more to living than drudgery and routines. There were other voices like family, friends, church, and as always God. All I've learned and thought about this weekend.... if only I can remember...

Le Scaphandre et Le Papillon

So I randomly went to imdb.com today and to my delight found that one of the most fascinating books that I have ever read has been made into a film by the French film industry. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, written by the former French Vogue editor Jean-Dominique Bauby, is an account that he wrote after having a major stroke. The stroke changed his life forever, trapped inside his own body, he used the only part of his body that he could move voluntarily to tell his story...his left eye.

If you want to read something interesting, thought-provoking, and at times heart-wrenching, read this book! The book itself and the story behind it make it so memorable. It makes me think about the frailty of life and of those who are so often overlooked. So read the book then on November 30th find one of the selected theaters and watch the film. Would anyone like to accompany me? It's French and it's good, what more could you want?

p.s. I'm really glad Mac's safari system is updated. Hooray!

who am i fighting?

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched person I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!
"So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." (Romans 7:21-25)

Lately I've been thinking about something. So often we talk about the battles we wage against injustice, hate, fear, evil, and the adversary that is in this world. However, we know that over all of these things God is sovereign. It is written that "the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world" (1 John 4:4).

I have come to the conclusion that our greatest adversary is ourselves... the sinful nature. It cannot be subjugated by an outside force, it has to surrender. Free will is powerful, so powerful that it can build some of the greatest walls between us and the Liberator. They are walls that he cannot just strike at, he needs to hear our cry before interceding.

The self is formidable. The sin that is our inheritance predestines us for the bitter struggle.

We're in the way. We're in the way.... I'm in the way.


"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." (Romans 8:18-21)

It's time to move.

beautiful beautiful

The past two weeks have not shifted in respect to how busy I feel, but the richness of life and the goodness of everything has. Sure there is a franticness, but there is also deep passion and learning. Oh learning.... I never realized how much I love it! And especially lately, I have learned so much in many different parts (e.g., academically, professionally, spiritually) of my life. Life is beautiful.

Currently I'm preparing for tomorrow's 6 hour class.... eesh. 2 of my classmates and I are having a group tutoring session, which should be fun. I'm baking brownies for the tutees. haha I'm such a ridiculous over-achiever. Friday I'm baking turkey cookies for a lesson simulation I'm doing on Sat. I think I'm funny, we're going to have a group of Indians and one of Pilgrims; the Indians will prepare a meal of corn (corn chex), wheat (wheat chex), and nuts (peanuts) and the Pilgrims will prepare a meal of berries (dried cranberries), fish (Swedish fish), and turkey (the cookies). Ok, maybe only I find it funny.

For now, I'm getting back to the 5 or so assignments due tomorrow.... as I recover from my intense group presentation on heterosexism from this evening.

best weekend ever

Seriously... it really is. I haven't felt so amazing and alive in a long time. Life is really good. And the best part is... the weekend's not over yet. The highlights:

-creating some of the best powerpoint slides ever with graphics I designed myself
-spending 2 nights at my Grandma's
-2 nights of apple cider and peppermint Joe Joe's
-thinking about the Kingdom of God...
-falling more in love
-good conversations
-feeling loved and safe
-great day at church
-hung out with one of my jr. highers for almost 4 hours talking about life stuff instead of surface things
-learning about myself
-hung out with friends at Gypsy
-good friends at church
-hearing from God
-being loved
-more good conversations
-wisdom given by friends
-revisiting the past by visiting my sis and cousin in the freshman dorms... good times
-getting hit on by bold freshman boys
-staying up late because tomorrow's a holiday!

support the strike....

p.s. I gave a stranger a ride today and in return I was invited to stay in Ecuador and get matched with a handsome, educated man. I think I got the better end of the deal.

ode to random holidays

Tomorrow there's no school.

Tonight is time to drink mulled apple cider and watch a silly movie.... She's the Man.... haha

After getting only an hour and a half of sleep last night because I was working on a project for 8 hours... mostly because I'm so OCD and it just haaaaad to be perfect. eesh. Where was I? Oh, last night, I feel like I can afford a night of frivolity.

They say that every hour of missed sleep is like having a beer.... ugh keep me off the roads.

dedicated to my friends and fellow scrabble lovers...

toothpastefordinner.com

cassé

Mon coeur... je suis desolée, mais je ne peux pas.

Je sais que tu me parles, mais maintenant je suis occupé....

Je ne veux pas entendre maitenant.

Ta voix est petite et il y a trop de bruit.

Les autres voix disent, "fait ça," "sois comme ci," "tais toi," "tu es..."


Ils parlent fort. Ils me font fatigué.

Je

suis

si

fatigué....

sauve moi....

Je vais tomber.... Je...vais....tomber.....

Dit moi, qu'est-ce que c'est cette vie? Qui est-ce que je deviens?

Tu me dit, "Ma petite, je t'aime. Tu es aimé."

Tu me parles de la beauté et de la vie... doucement.... doucement tu me parles

Je me couche et je peux t'entendre...

good news and more good news

First of all I completed the whole CSET this morning, all 3 sections. 4 1/2 hours later I was finished with the tedious process of answering a total of 143 multiple choice questions and 11 short response questions about lit./lang., history/social science, math, science, p.e., human development, and visual & performing arts. Well, I walked out confident. I guess we'll see just how confident I deserve to be at the end of the month.

Second, found out that I guy I nearly dated had issues from my friend who dated him last spring... good to know.

Finally, I realized I was crashing in on myself. Things were getting ugly. It came to a climax with my encounter with rotten bananas... In the words of Mike Erre, they were my "burning bush" for this week. Then I was reminded to live in fullness, beauty, discovery, and excitement.

My friend found me in Kéan in the middle of my studying and invited me to the dollar theater. And I was faced with an interesting choice... Responsibility or breathing. I chose to breathe.

5 of us saw The Nanny Diaries. It may sound trivial... who knew a chick flick could help me wake up and shake off this dust?

Never has a night at the movies been so significant.... more later

For now the CSET is tomorrow. If you think of me....

the studying is making me delirious...

... but there's always time to procrastinate in search of something hilarious... tonight's winner:


toothpastefordinner.com

math whiz

Alright so I was at Kean for 6 hours today, 4 of which were spent studying. I took a CSET practice test in preparation for my huge day of testing next Saturday.... yikes.

I was intrigued at my results. First off, they are lower than I'd like because I took the practice test before any studying has taken place in order to get an idea of my raw knowledge. The section I thought would be my easiest, Reading, Language, and Literature, did not turn out very well. Nor did History/Social Science, Science, or Art. Surprisingly I did better on Science than History.

And very surprising was how well I did on the Math, Physical Ed., and Human Development portions. My score in P.E. was perfect and I only missed 4 questions out of 26 on the math portion, 2 errors due to not paying attention. I admit it, I love math and gosh darnit I'm good at it!

Well off to more studying...

kind of interesting, kind of a lot of creepy

where there's smoke there's....

The fires have been unbelievable, they weren't this bad 4 years ago when the ground was covered in a blanket of ash. I saw a lot of smoke and ash today so to my mind that's a good thing because they're getting the Irvine and fires in the surrounding area under control at least.

I also received an email from Rick Warren.... i.e. mass mailer.... about how Saddleback responded to the crisis and I thought wow, that's great, there's one major strength to mega churches--lots of resources and becoming central sources of community support and aid.

Question: does Dwight have a 2nd job?

Fact: he apparently poses as a jr. High pastor from Arkansas

la paix pour tout le monde...

Lessons learned...

1. Life is not meant to be lived alone.
2. Ambiguous relationships with members of the opposite sex are dangerous.
3. Sometimes you lose when you win.
4. Spinach is really a super food.
5. Cheesy, casserole caf. food won't make you feel better.
6. Take initiative.
7. Think about the longterm effects of actions.
8. Don't live by the flesh.
9. Patience, patience, patience.
10. Peace is more valuable than justice sometimes.
11. Have a life, work/school don't make a life.
...

Just some things I've learned in the past few years, mainly during college. I'm so glad we have the past to learn from. I wish I didn't make mistakes in the first place but I'm so grateful that they teach me so that I don't have to make the same mistakes again.

This week I've been really tempted to make certain mistakes again... For instance a situation arose on Thursday where my roommate opened one of my four bottles of wine and drank it thinking it was her's. I was very frustrated with the situation because it happened to be one of my bottles of Pine Ridge. I only drink good wine and I drink it very rarely so I was kind of offended. I recognized it was an honest mistake, but I was more frustrated when she kind of blamed me for the mistake.

The temptation... to be right, to seek justice for myself. But thinking back on certain roommate situations where, in my mind, I won the battle, I lost the war meaning that I felt justified. But in the process I had burned bridges in pursuit of that justice and was left with my war path of brokenness in relationship and grace.

So here I am four years later, a new woman. I'm swallowing my pride in the desire for peace. Oh what a difficult pill to take. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm wiser than I once was and I have a little bit more grace though it still can be distorted.

my heart is at home

Find me here...








I was so tired. I needed this.

No need to perform, but to be just a daughter, not an employee, student, or anything else. This weekend has refreshed my spirit more than I can describe. I don't understand how people can be so far from family. They build me up and bring me new life.

What a weekend it has been! Fall is beautiful here. Starting with driving through Sacramento's backroads and countryside on a "shortcut" from the airport with my mom. Crisp night watching the homecoming game at my old high school. An amazing drive to Placerville to visit Apple Hill with J.P. Fall leaves made trees look like they were on fire. We drove through the country past farms and finally arrived at High Hill Ranch to eat apple pie, drink cider, and buy apples to take back down the hill. A beautiful day with a beautiful person.

This evening was absolutely perfect. My parents and I got some delicious food for dinner. In the dusk dad grilled chicken kabobs, mom and I prepared asparagus, salads, and sautéed grape tomatoes. We took wine and candles and ate in the backyard. What a beautiful night. We talked and laughed together reclining under the cabana with our glasses. Then inside to watch Sabrina and bake the apple pie I brought home from Apple Hill. Delicious, warm, calm, comforting, loving.

I can breathe easier here. I have missed it. And while I've been away, life has gone by. I feel older--seeing boys I used to babysit tower over me and talk to me in deep voices as men. Going back to a hectic and, in some ways, lonely life down south with no one to hold me and take care of me will be hard tomorrow. But for now my room is warm, the light is soft, and my head is leaning toward the pillow. This moment is good.

Vanguard, my vanguard

I love my alma mater. I learned and grew so much there. Those were precious years. My dream is to one day return as a faculty member to re-introduce a special education program.

I talked with Prof. Rybarczyk (seen above) at a wedding on Sunday and it was like writing on the wall. Everyone on staff, faculty, boards, and administration have been under considerable stress and pressure lately. This week the thought entered my mind, what if there was no Vanguard to return to?

Quite an over-exaggeration, but financial woes are scary. Vanguard has been important to my family for 3 generations, without it I would not be here.... My parents met there....

Hard times are ahead as house-keeping is in order after years of putting it off. I'm thankful for businesspeople on the board and in administration who were able to be rational about everything instead of increasing debts.

A lot is changing, but every university and institution has growing pains. It's hard. Now we see what sort of situation would have made the school sell all their valuable land across the street decades ago.

The board and administrators care so much about their students that they cut costs rather than raising the tuition to what would have been considerable highs. In everything that is being decided the students' best interests are put first. Because that is what Vanguard has always been about and will continue to uphold, the formation of students into spiritual, academic, professional, community, and world leaders.

Some want to blame someone, I guess people can point fingers. For them, I have my grandpa's office number, he's on the board and obviously helped make many of the decisions.

My view... I think God is doing great things there. He is in this too.

it's fall

Today I was sitting in traffic and I started listening to Tracy Chapman. Something about fall tells me that it's time to add her back into the music line up. As I sat there inching up the 55 at a all time low of 0-5 mph I remembered last year.


(Jenna's on the left, that's me and that's my other sr. year roommate Jessica)

After class I would walk back to my dormroom and listen to leaves crunching under my eager feet as the wind picked them up and swirled them around. I would bound up the stairs and quickly walk into our quiet room where I would fling my stuff down with a thud.

I would sigh heavily and look at Jenna who would usually be sitting at her desk with a blanket wrapped around her as she held a mug of coffee or hot chocolate. Her eyes would be fixed on something outside as she appeared to be deep in thought.

"It's getting colder outside," I'd say.
"I know! I love fall," Jenna would answer back with a smile.
"Yeah, I just need to dress warmer," I'd laugh. Then I would pause and ask, "Can I turn on Tracy Chapman?"
Jenna would roll her eyes at my habit of fixating on a particular artist or cd for weeks at a time until I "killed it", but as gracious as she is she humored me and she would say, "sure."

I'd then make myself a cup of tea and settle onto my bed to read and watch the world changing into fall in mutual silence with Jenna as Tracy Chapman sang in a rich deep voice about life and love.

I miss those days.



It's fall and I feel nostalgic.

In the meantime I was late to class because of the traffic and work calls me back from my reveries.

weddings

I saw my cousin get married today. She looked gorgeous. It was a beautiful affair. Fall and winter weddings are extra special for some reason. Every time I go to a wedding, the whole thing grows deeper and deeper into profundity as I begin to grasp what marriage is more and more. It's a big deal.

On the trivial side, the more I think about it, I'm convinced I want a wedding where my guests eat breakfast food at the reception and listen to Jack Johnson.

well, here I am. (caution to reader)

Life is good, full, but good. I'm trying to handle the stress better, but that's something I'm not gifted at. If the stress doesn't manifest itself in mind fog or emotions it manifests itself in my body in various ways. I'm sorry body, you're going to get old fast if I don't cut it out. :( I'm really sick of talking about how stressed and busy I am though, but it just continues to be very true. Next semester I am NOT taking 13 units, it's insane! 9 units is a full load, I should stick with that.

When's the last time I wrote something insightful on this thing? I'm thinking August. I feel like that's really out of character for my writing. And that's sad. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my writing and that I really need to pursue that more. I've had several people discuss my writing with me. A professor liked one of my papers so much that she had me make her a copy she could use in future classes. I don't know. I guess it feels really good to be noticed for something... I don't mean that to be prideful.

That's it for my rambling.... I'm debating whether I want to blog something I wrote for a class. (Not the one where the prof. wanted a copy) It's pretty much the cliffnotes of my life story. It's rather intense actually, I read it to my class because we all had to present our narratives of otherness in class. The response from the class was absolute silence when I was done. So read on if you're comfortable with that, but if not I suggest you stop here.


_Grace_

I once was lost...

I was not a very social child, but was considered to be very beautiful when I was little. Once I hit nine years old, my awkward stage seemed to take away the beauty of my childhood, at least in my eyes. I noticed how different my body looked compared to my classmates—my arms seemed to be the same size as their twiggy legs. Horrified and angry, the abuse started. I hated the person I saw in the mirror—she was bad and ugly.

I felt guilty for who I was… or wasn’t.

To make up for my perceived lack of beauty I relied on my talents to compensate. Blind to the unconditional nature of my parents’ love, I tried to earn it. My mom loves sports, so I tried desperately to be good at sports, but no amount of determination, baggy shirts, or basketball shorts could allow me to successfully pose as an athlete. My dad is intelligent, so I decided to work hard in school—that worked. I became one of the smart kids. It made me feel better that I was good at something.

Hinging your worth on the approval of others is never a good idea. Somehow the person you were gets lost.

I was a chameleon, trying to be whatever people wanted. Then I found myself not liking who I was, finally I was rejected by my friends. Something that was growing thin finally broke. That rejection seemed to prove my feelings of worthlessness. Through jr. high and high school, I felt alone and desperate for acceptance. I limited myself to labels: “smart” and “nice.” I tried so hard to live up to some image, but felt dissatisfied and wondered if anyone could like me just as I am.

Trying so hard to be someone else because who I was wasn’t acceptable.

My brother made the process of growing up more complicated. I didn’t want to be noticed, but going out with him made that impossible. He has pervasive developmental delays and when he was little he used to throw tantrums. I remember the stares. I wasn’t sympathetic, to say the least. Everything in myself that I hated, seemed to be embodied in him. He was chubby and vulnerable, he attracted negative attention and he was mentally challenged.

In spite of his challenges or rather because of them, God used him as a divine instrument to break down the walls I had built up.

My relationship with my brother has taught me how to accept myself as I embraced all of him, especially the parts that marginalize him. As we have grown older we have both grown softer. There have been many hard learning moments, mirror moments, times when something reflects who I am. I remember clearly after dinner one night, as my brother and I were cleaning up, I grew frustrated with him. After my repeated orders, he grew upset and started crying. He yelled, “You always want everything perfect, perfect, perfect! I can’t be perfect!” His words couldn’t have sunk deeper. His words seemed to even be my own heart’s words to me. I wasn’t being fair to him or myself.

The pursuit of perfection leaves little room for grace and authenticity.

The process is painful and slow, but I’m releasing my desire to fit into a certain mold and forgetting what it means to be normal. I’m learning grace and love for others and myself. The past few years have brought healing. Finally I am becoming the person I am meant to be. I’m even beginning to love the younger me who I used to hate so much.

My story isn’t meant to blame anyone. Even the lines between victim and perpetrator are blurred.
My story is about a girl, a boy, and God. It’s very long, but the ending is good.

God wove us into being,
Meet J.P., and you see me.
Meet me, and you see J.P.
He introduced me to the divine love that has chased me since birth.

I once was lost, but now I’m found.

tips for the male gender

Sorry when we're not that into you, but here's something that you may find useful in the future with OTHER girls. (key word being "other," meaning not me)

Don't be creepy.
Don't be stalkerish.
Don't be desperate.
Don't constantly text or call us.
Don't talk about the future too fast.

Do take it slow.
Do be careful and slow to disclose feelings and history.
Do pursue us in healthy ways.
Do honor us with consideration, attention, and privacy.
Do listen to us and give us equal talking time.

These things are tricky. Dating is a perilous endeavor.


See look at these guys. Yikes! haha

duck and cover

I like açai bowls.

I make them myself.

Tonight it wasn't blending well.

I tried to nudge the fruit into motion with a knife.

Açai flew over half the kitchen and the ceiling... not a good idea.

Purple spots were everywhere like in a story by Dr. Seuss.

I'm kind of a disaster in the kitchen.

I feel like Lindsay,

but I need George Michael's help.

I'm a chef in training.

the end.

:/

I think I remembered why I'm not so fond of dating....

Strange news....

God responds to lawsuit?

rain check??

Hi friend,

I wanted to write you a note as a preemptive measure protecting our friendship. For the next semester... next few years... maybe.... I will not be a very good friend. Just today I declared that my greatest passion in life is relationships (with God, family, friends, etc.), yet I am choosing to devote so much time and energy into my career pursuits that I will be jeopardizing all those relationships.

So let me apologize in advance for the times when I don't call you back, when I don't see you often, when you feel like you aren't important to me, when I hope that when I leave you a voicemail that you are too busy to hang out, when I'm not being present.... Just tonight I called a friend I had scheduled to have yogurt with. I left her a message and am hoping that she has to rain check because I don't want to leave the house again after 6 hrs at work, 3 hrs at school, and approx. 1 hr driving. Pretty horrible of me, I know.

Just know that I still care about you and love you even if I seem distant or absent. I will manipulate my schedule as much as possible and try my best to make sure I nurture our friendship. I don't want to finish this program and find that my once flourishing "garden" of relationships has decayed due to lack of attention. (Oh i love obvious analogies!)

And if things do get out of hand I have trouble seeing it, so let me know. Really. Also, since I need to devote large chunks of time to homework and studies, I would love to study or read with you if you are in the mood.

Don't expect too much of me, but still expect me to be your friend whatever that will look like. I'm sorry that I'll probably disappoint you.

love your friend,

Jenny

really??

Ok yes, I'm sensitive... about a lot of things. I don't mean to be "overly sensitive", but that's who I am. Sure sometimes I'm just dramatic, but other times I think I'm right on.

For instance, I take bigotry, hatred, and ignorance pretty seriously I'd say. So it made me sad when someone I know posted this.

How can you kindly tell someone "hey, that's kinda racist"? I really don't know.

The other day a dad whose daughter I watch sometimes showed me a racist shirt he was wearing that he thought was funny. He's always nice to me and loves his daughter a lot, but again, how do I respond to that? Well, I just did my polite fake laugh and said "oh... ".

p.s.

some things to think/pray about...

time?? will I have any?
moving?? maybe??
ministry?? do I have time?

have i told you lately...

how incredibly excited I am for school?? Tonight I was really getting into my literacy and learning class and it dawned on me that I really am passionate about learning.

This is what it feels like to see again, to think, to explore, to wonder, to care....

Here I am at this school where I only dreamed I would be blessed enough to attend and I'm watching the sun linger behind palm trees by the law building during a class break. This school is so beautiful and the education program is one of the best. Every time I drive up to campus the sensation of wonder and thankfulness rushes back.

Enough with gushing.... Classes are really great so far. I'm especially excited for my Voice, Diversity, Equity, and Social Justice class because I feel like I'm on home territory with my sociology background where I'm struggling to understand the language that the liberal studies b/a's are fluent in. Tonight I definitely read an article called "The Importance of the Act of Reading" like a sociology student picking up on the author's discussion of the social and political impacts of literacy while my l.s. classmates paid more attention to the author's critiques of mechanical teaching strategies. Well, I found a fellow soc. grad. from Biola who I can talk about all that stuff with and maybe together we can translate all the ed. jargon.

Life is so good.

overdue revelation

............................then and now...........................

God is so good.... He has always been good. I'm just acknowledging it now, when I took his goodness for granted in the past.

So often I pray for things and I worry about those things. Then I get so caught up in anxiety that I miss it when God faithfully answers my prayers in a way that's better than I could have imagined.

Today starts my first class at Chapman. I wanted to attend their program so badly that I thought that I would never be accepted. Why do we expect God to withhold those things we desire? He is not only faithful, but faithfully good. And shock, he wants to give us good things (provided that all is in line with his will).

Examples of faithfulness (spring 2005-now):

-didn't get the RA position........God kept me free to pursue my academics and relationships while sparing me from an especially heinous year for residence life
-struggled to find a summer job and asked God for a job relevant to my passion........became a nanny for Jade who has down syndrome
-applied to work in the school district and fearfully made several trips down the 5 to complete the app. process.......was hired in the best position I could have asked for starting out at a good school with an adorable girl who already knew and loved
-last semester of school and I was having trouble finding a place to live.......God gave me a home that was everything I could have wanted when I was about to give up
-I started the Chapman application process with many doubts about my potential.......after lots of worry and stress I got "the" call and here I am
-continuing concerns about school.......calm after meeting with my advisor who is a kindred spirit when it comes to social justice and passion for special education
-etc.

As I look at my planning document for my coursework and see what my life will vaguely look like until I finish in 2009 or 2010, I have a sense of trepidation that is overcome by the confidence that God's faithfulness will continue in whatever the next 2-3 years have to offer.

dig this

I've been voraciously reading Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" since Saturday morning. I opened it in Kean and stayed there for four hours reading, crossing the line into social peculiarity. It didn't help me when I read about the Minnesota brothers and Slim's unfortunate release of fluids and started laughing out loud.

If you've read it, you know what I mean. If not, go to the library.

This seems like the analogy we find ourselves in as we embark on "adult life" following certain ideas and dreams that either meet success or dead-ends. Yes, there is some "who we are", but more than that there's "where we're going".

I realize I sound like an obscure book reviewer. Sorry about that.

Either way it's just a great story, but this excerpt gave me chills....

"When daybreak came we were zooming through New Jersey with the great cloud of Metropolitan New York rising before us in the snowy distance. Dean had a sweater wrapped around his ears to keep warm. He said we were a band of Arabs coming to blow up New York." (p. 117)

Yeah creepy.

Good photography blog/why moving to the country is so appealing

the pioneer woman

Louis Vuitton <3 Elphaba

I ran across these pictures and made an observation...

















I think "Wicked" wasn't just a big hit for theater aficionados, it was really big with fashion designers.

some guy's blog

So Jesse and Cassie, my former lifegroup leaders and friends, moved to Colorado and I'm sad. But I take some solace in Jesse's hilarious blog. Hopefully you aren't easily offended...

Foux de fa fa....

Pour Carrie et toutes les belles filles avec les gros seins. (Je blague, ne t'inquiète pas!)



Je ne comprends pas.
Parlez-vous le français?
euh...
Parlez-vous le français?
euh... non.

get excited

for this movie. It's called "Rachel Is", and it's a documentary about the filmmaker's sister who is mentally retarded.

Will I be seeing this?
Why do you ask silly questions?

heart balm and kindred spirits

It has been good to spend time with friends lately. I have felt sort of alone especially with all these changes and transitions. I feel like I'm moving away from my family in that natural process of growing up. Like a moon that has spun around its planet for years and years and drifts farther and farther away from the pull of that center and soon breaks out of its orbit and drifts away into the galaxy. Suddenly I'm a family of 1, pretty depressing when it comes to cooking or filling out federal paperwork and seeing "1" next to household size.

Life post-college is daunting. Support systems grow thin as friends move away and move on. Responsibility knocks more than opportunity. Plans become real and have actual bearing on life. Decisions are crucial.

I talked to my friend Dana about all this and that conversation affirmed me in so many ways and let me know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I really appreciate her every time we talk, which usually only happens every other month unfortunately.


I admit it, I'm anxious, terrified even, about all these changes and transitions.

Last week I went to a water park with the camp I'm working at and I accidently spun my tube so I entered a black enclosed tube slide backwards. I was sloshing around really fast down that thing with absolutely no vision and no ability to sense what was coming next. I was scared, and not in the fun way, I was shaking and panicking.

I feel like life is like that sometimes. We're hurling through this thing with no idea what's next and we're terrified because it's all so unpredictable and scary.

I'm starting class at Chapman in about 2 weeks now. I don't know what that will look like.


I'm constantly reminded of my futility in trying to solve the world's problems, let alone mine. So it comes to this... I'm going to have to trust God, and not just lightly trust, but strive to be dependent on Him and His provision and justice for those I wish I could help. I need to be full of hope, not anxiety.

a little more off the top...

Here's the thing...

If I found a guy who was more like Tim (the guy who cuts my hair), maybe I'd actually go on dates. I sit in that chair and we have the greatest conversations--effortless. And the best part, besides getting a great haircut, is not feeling like "one of the guys" but like myself, a girl... the compliments aren't bad either. However, as good-looking as he is and as much as I like his tattoos... he has a girlfriend and doesn't think too much about Jesus.

for something completely different...

and the winner of most ridiculous (in a good way) indie band goes to.....


Architecture in Helsinki!



creepy, weird, or great--you decide.

look at that cloud! oh wait that's just smog

I've driven up and down the 5 several times the past few years*, but I think this was the most heinous drive yet. Let's see a list...

-traffic
-one nasty stop during the drive
-car started shaking on my way up the grapevine
-my check engine light came on
-suddenly I realized I had left my house key in northern Ca
-more traffic, it's Ca
-pulled over by chp
-my roommate's brother had to come over to let me into the house
-he had the wrong key and thus broke in through a window to let me in

At least I got here in time to enjoy some Arrested Development.


*Note: I do actually really like long drives though.

oh Franklin....

perceptions for true or false

1st person; introspection, resolution, or something like that...

I waste too much time caring about what people think.

When I talked to Swedish and Slovenian friends while I was in Europe I got so frustrated when they would tell me about their perceptions of Americans. What did they say? Well a few examples:

-Americans are selfish
-Americans say they love everything and always say things are lovely... thus Americans are perceived to be flippant and when they use the word "love" it's meaningless since they use the same word to say they love food or a friend.
-Americans are fake
-Americans dress bad (especially guys with their loose, baggy clothes noted by Joachim)
-American education is inferior to European education; except for University level education, which surpasses Europe's system
-Americans are unintelligent... a joke that one of our friends told us: "I'm not saying that all Americans are stupid... but if we took all the warning labels off everything, the problem would solve itself"

Ok, so maybe I agree with pretty much all of those ideas (which is why when people ask me where I'm from I say California not America). But I was frustrated because I don't want to be associated with any of those perceptions.

Then I realized that I don't exemplify those things so why should I worry about them? Caring to a certain degree is healthy and normal, we call people that don't care at all about what other people think "sociopaths". Social awareness and self-consciousness makes sociology work. However, I think it's fair to say that many of us go to the extreme of caring too much.

For example, I find it almost impossible to go clothes shopping without someone else (preferably my brutally honest sister). However, the other day I put on a pair of jeans that she didn't like that much, but I got them anyway because I liked them. It felt good.

So I've decided I want to change that. I guess I want to care less.... about trivial things at least.


3rd person; observations or hasty generalizations, you choose...

-I don't care what my last name is, I prefer to identify myself with my other nationalities rather than English. Between England and Ireland, I choose the latter even if they can be a wee bit mental... I mean that in a good way.
-In my experience I've found the English to be prideful and xenophobic, but usually easy to have a pleasant conversation with.
-Tourists are frustrating, no matter what ethnicity.
-The general French population is not as refined as they would have us believe... I saw far more men than I would have liked urinating in public during the Bastille Day festivities.
-The two ethnicities that seem to be made fun of the most in Europe are Germans and the French.
-(2nd hand observation) Norway is very expensive. A friend of mine found the following surprising exchange rates... Coffee and a pastry: 10.50 USD. Value meal at Mcdonalds: 14.00 USD. Personal size pizza: 17.50 USD. Norway beanie in a tourist store: 55.00 USD. Laplander slippers with bells dangling from the toes: 85.00 USD
-Stockholm, indie music... yes.
-Guys look really good in skinny jeans, but not capris!
-Swedes have the best fashion sense.
-Swedish people are easy to get along with and relate to... our cultures are very similar in many ways.
-One svenska-engelska difference is that of belief. In general, Americans have some sort of belief in God while, in general, Swedes are atheistic. Our friends were quite surprised to find we believe in God and when asked if they did they answered, "No, we're Swedish". Strange... even stranger was that one of the guys thought I was out of my mind when, during their joke about Jesus being Swedish just like everything else, I commented about his being Jewish. He wanted to know where on earth I had heard that and thought it was ridiculous.
-As far as Christianity is concerned, Europe is a dark place where atheism is probably more prominent then on any other continent. In the Czech Republic a person who becomes a Christian will be disowned by his or her family.
-Humility, consideration, and a smile will take you far.
-People are friendly when you give them a chance.
-Europeans are extremely hospitable, for the most part.
-Europeans criticize Americans for their racism, even if nearly all Europeans are extremely nationalistic and have various ethnic prejudices mainly based on past conflicts or cultural differences. They will swear up and down that they are not racist and justify their prejudices.
-As much as Europeans complain about Americans, especially pres. Bush, they will always love American music.
-They love to buy cowboy hats as American souvenirs.
-Two things about Americans that secretly scare Europeans: the way Americans sue others like it's going out of style and gangs that are believed to infest most of the country.
-Europeans have a lot of pride for their respective countries.

People are funny. I may not understand them or disagree with them but for the most part differences make everything a little more interesting.

running west to escape the sun

Back from traveling. Each trip teaches me something different.

For instance, Paris was the start of something completely new. I became myself and became more firmly grounded in God than I have been in a very long time. People who have known me will affirm that.

Therefore, I was so excited to return there on my little backpacking stint with my sister and Sarah. I returned and not much had changed. I visited all our old haunts, but now those places were only special because of the memory attached to them. One time the light shined there, but now only shadows.

Paris will always be special to me, but this time I'm more attached to small pieces of scenery and people.... lavender covered in bees and butterflies, a garden in Stockholm, drained cups of coffee shared with people I love, improvision during sudden bouts of rain, pear cider on a Gamla Stan dock with new friends, hanging out and playing foosball in a Södermalm beer garden, a forgotten street in Monteriggioni looking at cumulus clouds in a blue sky while a shopkeeper plays guitar to himself, moonlight creeping its way into my room....

The confusion of self and God that I had been wrestling with was not overcome this time. No revelations were had.... except the epiphany that experiences cannot be forced, they come naturally and after they've given us something only a memory remains.

Running away was the theme this trip. Even as I admit that in writing, I am more aware of how true that is.


Instead of discovering light and truth, hiding in dark and clinging to lies.
Instead of finding who I am, I feel more like I've forgotten.


I couldn't wait to leave work and all my worries on this trip, but that attitude of escapism was uncovered as fear. God doesn't take a holiday and neither do the offices of Chapman University or the school district.

I'm back, but I'm still running. He's still pursuing. I'm not ready to stop just yet.... even though I know that I can never really escape Him.