heartache

I wish I could be self-sufficient. To do what I need to do and be content and satisfied without any need for others. However that is ridiculous and not how God intends any of us to live. But that would resolve this deep pain in my heart and stomach. I can't believe I've written about this twice already on this blog. I need a place where it's safe to be weak and needy. I hate feeling that vulnerable, but that is what's real and the sterile anonymity of a blog feels safe.

The truth is I feel so alone. This is not just lonely, but a deep soul aching alone. I wish I was exaggerating, but unfortunately I'm not. It makes my whole body hurt. How many other people feel this way? I'm sure there are a lot. I pray mercy over the lonely.

I want to be around people, to have friends to just sit with me in this, but that's not an option right now. Ideally I want to be alone with someone. Does that make any sense? I want to be with a friend and not pretend but to just sit with them without talking and to just be.

God has purpose in this. In all this stuff that he's working out in my heart, but for the moment I feel like he's tearing me apart.


"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds." (Hosea 6:1)