Free love

I was talking to this guy the other night and realized that he is not looking for a girlfriend. He just got out of a bad relationship and has a lot to sort through and told me he doesn't want to date for a long time among other things. (Don't worry it wasn't in a DTR context, we were just discussing dating as a concept) Anyway I felt so rejected and hurt and sad on Sat. night. And when I was driving to church on Sunday morning I stopped my thinking and took out my logic and questioned my feelings. Because as Dogterom says your feelings cannot be helpful guides if they have not been retrained.

I stopped and thought, whoa what's going on? Why am I so upset about this? I barely know this guy. Why do I do this so often? Why do I always want to date guys I draw close to?

Then the Holy Spirit seemed to say look deeper, those are symptoms. And I saw that I want to possess love. I'm so afraid of losing love that I want to capture it. Not only do I want to possess the person's love I want to possess them or at least a part of them. I am not satisfied, I always want more. So if it's a girl I want to be one of her closest friends and if it's a guy I want to be his girlfriend or at least his number one girl that's a friend. I realized this is way messed up and that love cannot be possessed, or it will get sick. Love is meant to be received with hands open because it can come and go but it must have freedom or else it can't be love. It's also not fair to withhold from my friends the freedom that I enjoy, the freedom to love how much or how little they want or be as open or hidden as they want.

So that guy is great and he is offering me a valuable friendship. I need to take what he is offering me and be grateful and not expect more.

It's like love is a bird you watch outside. It will come and share its beauty and energy with you, but it is most beautiful and alive when it is free to fly where it wants. If you try to capture the bird for yourself it will grow sick and despondent and no longer bring you pleasure at all.

The root of this all as pointed out by my mom is my fear of rejection and need for acceptance. I need to allow others, including God, to love me.