God

Tonight was wonderful. A wonderful French night. The only thing that would have made it better is if I was 100% present.

Lately I feel distracted and out of my skin. I get like this sometimes... Maybe its a pms moment like Carrie would describe as being bipolar or more likely I haven't spent enough time with God lately. I've come to the point in my spiritual life where if I don't spend time with him I almost forget who I am and I feel like a shadow of my true self. Strange I know.

I think I've been avoiding him... I feel like I'm in trouble. I always feel like that.

Why do we anthropomorphize God into cruel renditions of people in our pasts? The mean teacher in grade school, that parent for whom nothing was ever good enough, that relative that measured us against an impossible standard.... If we're going to picture God in the figure of someone we know, why don't we choose people like the grandma who was always glad to see us and loved us no matter what or maybe that friend from grade school who hung out with us even if we were a bit nerdy?

Of course we should meet God as God not as some caricature we've created. But my point is that we know in our core that we are bad. Somewhere inside we hear the whisper that reminds us how depraved we truly are and it seems as if we might be branded forever as bad, undesirable, worthless, weak, wicked, etc. And thus we avoid God because we decide that since we're already bad we must already be in trouble. We want God to be human so often; I find myself doing it all the time when I want God to be mad at me when I do wrong and punish me. I understand that. I understand consequences, time outs, losing privileges, disappointment, shame, etc. But this grace that surpasses understanding... that's hard.

Unfortunately, as far as wanting God to be human, God is nothing like us in this way. We do wrong and he still loves us, in fact his love is unchanging whether we do right or wrong.

I have always repeated this quote to myself when I get in trouble, "Twice I did good that I heard never. Once I did bad that I heard ever." Not a good quote to remember when trying to understand God's grace.

Fortunately, God is not like me. He doesn't remember our sins once we confess and he certainly doesn't blackmail us with them. He isn't vindictive.

As much as I keep thinking God's upset with me for not spending time with him, I realize he has just been patiently waiting for me. He quietly waits hoping we'll come to him and spend enough time with him for him to gently remove all those scars and brands in order to replace the lies with truth.

...........Romans 8