I predict that I will cry and laugh more this week than any other week in my life thus far. Today the tears started after saying goodbye to two friends I won't see again for a long time and watching "Beaches" with two other friends.

she would...

yes, I would post a clip of shadowlands.

I've been thinking about that scene lately and today in particular when I was trying to justify my belief that relationships are the most important investment in life to a friend who didn't understand why I'd allow myself to be hurt in making myself so vulnerable through such investments. This person believes people will always hurt and leave you or they won't love you back. I conceded that yes, love requires risk and you'll probably be hurt. They responded by saying, "people can't hurt you if you don't let them."

Yeah I guess I could try to stay safe. We all know how to do that. Hide, don't let anyone in and if you do don't ever let them see anything real.

But I choose to invest wholeheartedly into the people who will be close to me. They will learn me and I will learn them. I'll certainly be vulnerable and I will inevitably be hurt, but I'm willing to accept that.

quiet changes

There were no earthquakes or storms, but somehow this week changed me...

I'm having a hard time seeing clearly how it changed me through this veil, but I know I grew and something happened and is happening.

Some major and minor catalysts and products of change from the past week or so...


-talked to a guy and was able to finally forgive him and myself

-made a commitment and followed through even though it resulted in adding to end of the week exhaustion and the loss of my voice

-reconciled in humility when I wanted to have an entitlement to being offended and right in the situation

-discovering that my words meant something to people and were remembered

-fresh excitement and hope

-awareness of love

-awareness of dependence

-awareness of answered prayers

-recognition of God's listening ear

-sharing hearts with a dear friend over yogurt

-acted like an adult

-reality checks

-satisfied

-lots of joy; especially in one of my favorite moments... Luis (my 3rd grader who speaks hardly any english) dancing with the quirkiest moves ever in the middle of a circle of cheering peers and bouncing puppets made of pool noodles and pipe cleaners

-lots of prayer

-claiming freedom

-peace and so much gratitude in and for this season

-being a part of something bigger

-falling deeper in love with Him

-His beloved


Life is really great. God is doing things. I'm ready to graduate and I'm expecting great things.

I wasn't sure if it would happen but it is...

I'm going to graduate publicly in 10 days and I feel... emotional I guess. Some of it is fondness for memories and the people I shared them with, some of it is regret for the friendships I neglected and the things I never did, and then there's the satisfaction of being finished. I don't know.

I guess this was brought about because I looked at this year's yearbook as well as something a friend of mine, actually my roommate for about 2.4 yrs of college, wrote about a bunch of us....

"Despite the late nights over papers and early classes, college has been amazing and I can't believe that I'm old enough to be saying goodbye, but I am going to miss it. The beach the sun, the frozen yogurt. Most of all I am going to miss my friends.... Jessica’s newfound ability to procrastinate, eating & cooking with Hannah and Bo, Melanie’s endless energy and plans of traveling the world, Chelsey’s capability to be up for everything at any time from oreo’s to quesadillas, Jannette’s beaming positive attitude and accent :), Jenny’s laugh and easy ability to be frightened ( Her scream!), Missy’s blunt honesty ( It’s a good thing) and shoe fetish, Lucy’s adventures and for always being able to fit back in, and Brittney’s quotes and gift for making a party out of anything... Maybe it was watching First Wives Club last night, maybe its the fact that I should be writing a paper right now...but I just want to wish them all blessings and love for the years to come. I know we probably wont be the best at keeping in touch, but a girl can hope. We really did make the best of the last four years, despite the ups and the downs....we have the pictures to prove it!!! I love you all and am looking forward to watching us all grow up."

She's moving back to Oregon forever after graduation. It makes me sad.

weirded out

Ashton and I watching a movie in my room. Suddenly banging on the door.

Who could be banging on our door at this time in the evening?

I foolishly am caught off my guard and open the door.



me: Uh??

guy: Hi, are your parents home?

me: Um no, I live here.

creepy guy: Oh uh, you look younger than uh... Well are you interested in having chicken, pork, or seafood delivered to your home? If you look at the side of my truck you'll see that... sweetmeats we...

(Ashton wanders to the door frame and creepy meat guy notices that I happen to be holding a knife)

creepy meat guy: Ah, don't stab me! She's got a knife!

Ashton and I: ....

creepy meat guy: So do you like chicken, pork, or seafood?

me: um n.. I don't accept callers this late at night...

creepy meat guy: It's only 8:15.... is that late?

me: uh yes.

creepy meat guy: oh ok



And then he ran into the darkness...

Ew... something about a guy peddling meat in the dark is just... unkosher.


haha cheap puns...

the dangers of love

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impeneterable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."
-Clive Staples Lewis "The Four Loves"

One of the girls in special stars had a seizure today. I was so scared. I felt so powerless as she was laying on the ground shaking.

Just a little while previous we had been playing on the playground and she was kissing my arm.

I stayed as the SVCC medics and her family came to help her. Finally she came around after receiving oxygen and laying down for almost an hour. As her family carried her exhausted body I was humbled by the reality of that family's life.

All my experience will never compare to what some families live with on a daily basis. I can't imagine what that is like to see someone you love so much in pain and being unable to alleviate it. When you love someone, especially a child, you want them to be okay, to be happy, not to go through trauma and pain. No wonder so many mouths cry, "Why God?"

Love is a very scary reality. When you open yourself to love you might be subjected to frustration, you may not be loved in return, you might see your beloved in pain, or worse you could lose them. We are fragile beings and love should never be taken lightly. It truly is a risk to love.

And to receive love? That is a risk as well--a different kind of risk--one that makes us humble and for which we must accept the grace of our lover in their choosing to love us despite our insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.

Love seems to be comprised of a dichotomy between the bravery of taking a risk and the surrender to grace.

Sometimes love is not romantic or pretty. Sometimes it is simply the hands that reach for us in our frailty and the presence that waits with us through the dark times.




If you think of it, pray for that little girl and her family.

the street where i lived

The old blue house we call it, where i spent some of the best, no, THE best years of my childhood. Walking down windy roads from the bus, picking hot blackberries in the summer, riding bikes to friends' houses, forts, playing in a big yard, fun rainy days, staying home from school to drink coffee and watch regis and kathie lee in pjs with my mom....


So I have a whole bunch of what I call archive pictures I scanned when I was home so don't be surprised to see many blogs of old pictures. More pictures, less words I say!

love

yeah i'm graduating... or graduated or something...

Inspired by the annoying message left by my hyper aunt to get grad. announcements out if I want people to come to my graduation or give me money I finally started making the dang things. They are so ghetto; I wrote some dumb thing on microsoft word, printed it, and pasted the little squares of text on colored paper and there you have an announcement postcard. A little different than the announcements for high school graduation that cost hundreds of dollars and took days to assemble with five parts per card and real photo (not printed in grayscale from word) to go inside.

These announcements say (not literally) ... I have a diploma that took lots of hard work to earn and now I really don't care, but want you to know that I did graduate and will officially accept donations as I join the "real world".

But of course, I am nearly done with the ordeal when I realize I only have 4 out of the 15-20 addresses I need. I guess Aunt April will have to wait just a bit longer....


On the bright side, my taxes are done, a good game of poker Sun. night made me $30 richer, and my house no longer smells like the salmon I cooked for dinner.

I'm tired. The end.

making banana pancakes, pretending it's the weekend...

I can't remember the last bad weekend, or even just mediocre weekend I've had.

The lifegroup brunch I've been anticipating for the past 2 weeks was a success! Roxy and I discovered that we share a common passion for breakfast. Not only is it the most important meal of the day, it's the best one! We went to her place and made omlettes and wheat pancakes. (Roxy and Kaytie in the kitchen--->)

We sat outside eating delicious food while listening to Jack Johnson and talking about Paris and other European places. Definitely my kind of morning.

Followed by sitting in her living room, listening to guitars, playing chess and poker with cheerios as chips.

Then I babysat and in my typical fashion I carelessly got the kids completely riled up right before bedtime, but we had fun!! Of course that meant I had to lay there with them until 9:30 (bedtime was 8:30) saying "ok let's go to sleep... shh no more noises... ok... I feel tiiiired, aren't you guys tiiired?..."

Crêpes, another reason breakfast food is great...




p.s. I have my cap and gown so I suppose I can officially graduate... although I have a diploma that says I graduated last year... hmm...

weakness part 1

In our culture the strong, beautiful, rich, and powerful are admired and praised. Even in Christian culture we embrace those things. In the very least, we all want to have something to offer. We read the Beatitudes, but don't understand what Jesus said. Truly, blessed are those who have no voice, those who have suffered great loss, those who have nothing to offer....

I was reading "Adam: God's Beloved" by Henri Nouwen, which is about his friendship with a severely disabled man, and was really struck by this:

"Murray told me later that during the next thirty minutes as he sat with Adam he began to recognize him not as a disabled man completely different from himself, but as a beautiful human being who shared with him many vulnerabilities. Although Murray was a very successful businessman, he had his own struggles, his own fears, his own experiences of failure, his own disabilities. ... Adam, by his eyes and his presence, said to us, 'Don't be afraid. You don't have to run away from your pain. Look at me, be close to me, and you will discover that you are God's beloved child, just as I am.'"

Maybe that affects me more than the majority of people who haven't had the experiences I've had. Working with people who profess vulnerability through living with various degrees of dependence has shown me that, when I'm honest, I'm really not so different.

I'm weak even when I pretend to be strong, I'm ignorant even when I think I know it all.



*pictures are of the painting Emma and I did today

Pâques

It was an exciting trip up with my Grandma and Aunt including a stop for the night in a motel (which they said would educate me and prepare me for when I'm married... not sure what that means....), a stop in one of America's best cities (San Francisco) to visit my cousins and their kids and decorate eggs (my masterpiece seen here--->), a flat tire, adventures when we were waiting for AAA... finally to arrive home.

Easter Sunday was the grand goal of the trip.

After a rock concert at Bayside... ugh... we had a Easter party/egg hunt/birthday celebration at our house in honor of my Grandpa who was always our Easter bunny and who would have had his birthday today!!! I played photographer for most of the day and had way too much fun.

We three kids played Easter bunny, especially since we were pretty much the only ones there without children to chase







here come the hunt and the little ones...


and then the hunt for the money egg... which ended in defeat, for my sister and I at least...

we're sad, Uncle George found the $100

sneaky Grandma....

we decided taking the money was a good idea...


oh Brenty...


my cousins and their adorable kids...

Happy Birthday Grandpa! We miss you.

and then more fun with a camera...


this is what grandmas do...



<3

Hope everyone had a happy easter!