day 3: bicycle diaries

Yeah I thought that was funny... hehe

So I'm a major fan of my new bike routine. I especially like ringing my bell, but wait until people aren't around so they don't think I'm ... ringing at them?? I feel a little bit Parisian or something when I'm riding around. Hopefully I'll live there again and use a bike instead of the metro.

I learned an important lesson today. When you go to the grocery store with only a bike for transportation you are limited in what you can buy. How did I learn this? Oh well when I walked out with 4 bags with 2 boxes of cereal, 2 cartons of soy milk, strawberries, bananas, blueberries, and oatmeal, I figured out pretty quickly that I had bought too much when my bike's basket is approximately 16" x 6" x 10". It took a balancing act and I had to sling my trader joe's bag full of some of the groceries over my shoulder, I almost lost the strawberries, but we all made it home alright.

On an unrelated note...



Any questions why I'm taking so long getting my application process completed for Chapman??

bleh bleh bleh... future... All I know is that I'm going to Europe this summer. hurrah! And sooner than that, tomorrow is Friday and I am happy.

p.s. Raise your hand if you're excited for the Office next Thursday!!

days that start with S

I am so tired, and I can legitimately claim that status because I worked 9-5:45 and rode my bike about 5 miles in my trips to and from work. My body hurts, especially after riding through 10-15 mph winds. I'll have to take some pictures of me with my green bike and super cool helmet. Safety first! But maybe I'm more tired from running around with Sarah and friends all weekend!!!

Italian cuisine by candlelight is so wonderful! Especially with good wine, friends, and serenading by Frank Sinatra and Josh Groban









Family portrait aww





And that's that. Well I feel a tad light-headed from 2 big glasses of wine and very tired so I'm going to fall into bed. Forgive my lack of verbosity and my likely spelling and grammar errors. I love my friends.

I like nighttime. It's so quiet and mysterious, sometimes scary but mostly wonderful. Tonight I'm listening to Sufjan in the living room with a light that is probably too dim and will make me wear glasses or something one day. I see silhouettes of power lines, rooftops, and palm trees outside against a purple night sky.

"Come On! Feel the Illinoise!"..... I remember the art assembly for the kids at school about Frank Lloyd Wright. I think I'll go get a book of his creations at the library soon.

There's a lesson plan waiting to be finished, my jacket is still on, and my feet are cold. My roommate is asleep and the only noises are the whir of the refigerator and the soft sounds of Sufjan. I keep glancing out the windows and wondering.

"Casimir Pulaski Day" .... Sarah is coming Friday. I've thought about her a lot lately. This morning this song played as I was drinking tea and reading before work. I stopped and the past 3 years rushed back to me. She played this song for me over a year ago when I visited her. I remember listening to the first few lines and quickly sobering when I heard, "when I found out you had cancer".

I have memories of going to San Francisco with her when her mom was in the hospital having surgery. One of my favorites is like this...

...we were staying in an apartment lent to her family in the castro and we took our Bibles and journals to a coffee shop down the street on a rainy day. I had hot apple cider as we sat on wood benches and listened to the Garden State soundtrack and rain falling on a quiet street....

Other times were not as idyllic. She was visiting me over a year and a half ago and we had just finished having a great afternoon at the beach when she got a call from her dad. The cancer had come back. I remember her saying through clenched teeth, "I FUCKING HATE CANCER."

"Tuesday night at the Bible study, we lift our hands and pray over your body, but nothing ever happens"

Sarah talks about God, faith, and prayer in a way that gives witness to how much she grew and transformed in the past few years.

I remember getting that call on a cold September morning. What Sarah said at the memorial was... well, read it... http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=2967090&blogID=174649860&Mytoken=4022D462-0A70-447E-8127CD64F6590D5222576530

Weird, she called me as I was writing this.

I'm not sure if I have a point in all this... I was just thinking about where I am and lately I've realized how transforming relationships are. She is one of those friends who change your life. She changed mine, her mom changed my mom's life. My best friend lost her mom and my mom lost her best friend.

"Repetition, repetition"

(a short retelling of today and thoughts through a mostly fictional conversation between God and I that may or may not be coherent)


--Scene 1: my room--

God: Jenny.

me: It's too early.....

God: Jenny.

me: Later. I need to get ready for church.


--Scene 2: driving to church--

me: hmmm i'm pretty smart. Good for me, smart. Yeah!

God: ahem.

me: oh yeah I should think about you now. Focus. Church, service, Jesus....


--Scene 3: Saddleback--

me: I serve. Good for me. Look what I do! And I'm good at this too! Sweet!

God: Excuse me? That's not the point...

me: Oh yeah... It's about them not me. That's s e r v i c e. Oh.

[later...]

lady picking up her child: Did you go to the service today?

me: No I didn't. Was it good?

lady: Yes! He spoke on pride... It was really good.

me: (to myself) pride... hmm...

[later than that...]

Beth Moore: "Often, the enemy will stir pride in us to keep strongholds from being broken. Humility is a necessary part of the mind-set for someone ready to be free."

me: There it is again. Pride... Humility... Uhh I think you've been teaching me enough about that stuff the past few months haven't you?

God: No...

Beth Moore: "God created us to worship. We all worship something...."

me: (auto-pilot response) Jesus.

Beth Moore: "... According to the definition of epairo, the focus of our worship can be determined by the gaze of our eyes--what or who is the object of our primary focus."

me: huh. Maybe not... What am I worshipping? Money? No. People? No.... hmmm.... Oh.

God: Remember?

me: ...myself... I worship myself.


--Scene 4: at home--

God: Jenny

me: Ugh... God, I miss my friends. I need to make friends outside of VU now.

God: Don't worry about it.


--Scene 5: the mall--

me: Ok I don't want to be materialistic... but I really want to get a new pair of jeans. These are really expensive, but I have money.

God: You think that just because you earned that money that its yours?

me: Oh. I guess sacrifice is more than a 10% tithe...


--Scene 6: Rock Harbor--

me: I think about myself a lot. Wow. I'm sorry.

God: You will fail countless times, but my grace won't run out.

[later...]

Mike Erre: And so in our culture we want life our way and we think we can have the best of the world and the best of Jesus without choosing. But Jesus tells us to carry our cross, and that means something called "self-denial" which means I give up the rights to my life.

me: Uh... that's familiar...

Mike Erre: To follow Jesus and deny ourselves we must lay down what we think we're entitled to and we must be radically abandoned.

me: ...sorry... I guess my "surrender all" comes up short.

God: Let me take care of you. Look up.

[girl approaches me at first to ask if I'm a "prayer person" but then stares and exclaims...]

girl: Jenny Heath!!!!

me: Oh my gosh! Nicole Ruiz!

[later Nicole, a friend from high school in northern CA, who I haven't seen or talked to for at least 3 years, and I talk after the service]

Nicole: Wow. This is crazy. A divine appointment for sure!

me: haha... So Mariners this Thurs.? I've been meaning to go there for a while.

Nicole: Sounds good, bye!


--Scene 7: at home--

God: I said I would take care of you, didn't I? Believe me. And listen.

me: I know. Wow. I'm pretty overwhelmed by you.

God: That's the point.


..... ctnd. .....





quote of the night:

"I'm going to go home tonight and have sex with my wife!" -Mike Erre

faith

I was driving to Saddleback this morning and as I passed the Trinity Broadcasting Network's white castle on the 405 I glanced at the illuminated marquee. It said something like "the brilliant splendor of the Lord's day has risen for you". That's not an exact quote, but that's the gist.

As much as I make fun of TBN and abhor their white monstrosity, and maybe its naivete, I believe that they truly want people to know Christ. Unfortunately, they are presenting the gospel in a way that is completely out of touch not only with culture, but out of touch with people in general. Even as a Christian I read the marquee and rolled my eyes at the overly mystical message. TBN was built with its white walls, perfect gardens, and pristine statues with the intention to make us think of Heaven, but instead the eyesore makes us cringe.

With places like TBN, embarrassment from fundamentalist Christians, and the general unpopular image of Christianity in the U.S. it is no wonder that I find myself and most of the other Christians of my generation on the defensive, always attempting to improve Jesus' public image, which we usually try to accomplish by criticizing those "other" Christians. Today I had a rude awakening, that first of all Jesus was never "popular" or "attractive" in the way culture wants its icons to be and he doesn't need me or anyone else to be his p.r. person. And second of all, like it or not, those "other" Christians are part of the same family that I am a part of whether or not I agree with them on theological, moral, or political issues.

So often we carry around our faith as a matter of pride because at least WE have it right... But that pride makes us pharisees and strips us of the freedom, grace, and love we're supposed to display as followers of Christ. Instead there seems to be a major spirit of judgment and criticism among this generation of Christians that is directed inward at the rest of the church.

Please don't misunderstand me; certainly the church needs to be criticized because it is so easy for her to miss the point, but ultimately I guess my point is that our aim should not to obtain the "right" faith. Instead we should pursue an honest faith. It isn't the TBN marquee nor the trendy Rock Harbor art shows that will reach people, I believe God wants people to be reached through heart to heart interaction that can only take place when we take down our pride and allow genuine faith to speak.

what i learned this week...

...but first some pictures to get you in the spirit...

the sweetpea/ham I work with every day:




































the girls:











my leprechaun boyfriend (looove his mischievious grin):



























Sometimes work is stressful and you have days when the kids refuse to listen, fight, bite, cry, don't try, etc. But ultimately how can you not love these kids? And not try your best to encourage them in who they are as students and even more who they are as individuals?

So this week I learned:

-Conference week sucks. Every teacher in NMUSD is burnt out this week as a result. And thus I fell on my bed after work at 6 and woke up at 8:30pm.
-My cooking skills are improving. Cooked this week: stir-fry, honey banana wheat bread, whole wheat pasta with tomato pesto and garlic sauce with added pine nuts, chicken, more garlic, and mmm red wine.
-Adulthood is stressful. So many responsibilities.
-I miss my family and friends a lot. They should all move from their hundreds and thousands of miles away to southern cal.
-Missing my brother's 18th birthday was really hard this week. But he wasn't a stranger. He called and left one of his messages today. This time he was selling me drugs. (note: he was pretending) I guess you have to know him to understand why that's funny...
-Assumptions are bad. My roommates are questioning my claims that I'm not good with boys since the majority of my guests (that they've seen and met) are male and fairly good-looking. My friend was over for dinner the other night and I have completely platonic affection for him, but as soon as he left they were telling me how cute he is and asking why I don't like him. ugh. For the record--I am not a flirt, I am not a tease, I am NOT good with boys, and just because a guy is attractive and we're friends doesn't mean I like him. Besides I am only interested in one guy and it is NOT him and I don't care how "hot" you think he is.
-I took a spiritual gifts test on the internet for my lifegroup (http://www.kodachrome.org/spiritgift/) here are my top 6 gifts (apparently):

tied for #1: voluntary poverty and writing
tied for #2: encouragement and faith
tied for #3: pastoring and discernment

and my bottom 6:

apostle
administration
healing
celibacy
tongues (speaking)
tongues (interpreting)

Definitely interesting. But voluntary poverty? I never would have expected that. I did expect celibacy to be low... haha And pastoring? Hmm
-I think I could have leadership potential. Well I hope so since I want to be a teacher...
-I'm learning and changing a lot. And its good.
-I laid in bed the other night thinking about God and it was just one of those moments, and I realized that one day I'll be married and quiet moments alone like that will be harder to come by. So until that day comes I will appreciate all the alone time I have in the meantime.

in closing... Happy St. Patrick's Day! Eat, drink, be merry, and remember the trinity. According to wikipedia, they turn the Chicago river green. There's not as much Irish spirit around here anymore since my grandpa's gone.

And in memory of my grandpa George James McCafferty II who looooved this day... kiss someone, after all he always said a kiss is the best thing in the world.

good news, bad news

the good news: the kids in the communicatively handicapped class I work in are talking more and their vocabularies are expanding.

the bad news: their vocabularies are expanding with words like "shit".

happy frivolity

i like this song and i don't know why, but this video makes me laugh.

today...

Did you ever run away as a kid?

I remember one time when I was probably 10 and I got mad about something and told my parents I was running away. Believing, in my 10 yr old logic, they'd feel guilty and beg me not to run away, but, no, they're smart and they're the kind of parents who helped me pack a bag with food and stuff... That really annoyed me. So I took Ashton and JP and we "ran away" to the strip of grass on the other side of the street... roughly 50 ft from our house. It took less than an hour and maybe less than 30 minutes for us to go back because graham crackers are only so satisfying at dinner time.

Anyway today. I talked to my insurance agent before breakfast... yeah I had a car accident on Sunday... and as I was eating my oatmeal and drinking my tea I found myself on the verge of tears feeling completely overwhelmed. This much emotion, this early in the day? When I was young I wanted to run away from home, now I felt like running away TO home. I thought maybe I had made a mistake in staying down here and that maybe returning to Granite Bay indefinitely wouldn't be so bad. But it was as I was driving to work that I had the merciful revelation that maybe, just maybe, some of this emotion and especially the intensity of emotion wasn't rightly felt and could be attributed to a beautiful thing called PMS.

And even better than that, this day ended up being great! Kids have a way of making you more carefree. The school day went well and I was filled with such peace and confidence that things will work out. My prayers grow more simple as days grow more complex and difficult... "God be with me today" and as is his nature, he was.

Random day's events:

-The kindergarten teacher that totally intimidates me and I feel like hates me, Mr. Christman, actually said more than just a solemn "hey" when I left! Progress.
-My "brother" is staying in Costa Mesa instead of going home for spring break so we will hang out.
-The oatmeal raisin and cranberry cookies I made yesterday were much appreciated by my co-workers who received them. Apparently I bake well.
-I laughed at my after school kids who were turned into germaphobes by the nurse's lesson on hand washing.
-A highlight of the day was swinging on the swings with 3 of the kids from my class. I forgot how much I love doing that!
-I played soccer with the kids and found that somehow my skills after not playing for years have actually improved... or maybe I was just playing with 9 yr olds...
-Jack Johnson and John Mayer sang me home.
-My roommates were not woken up by a small social gathering I had in the backyard with 8 people until nearly 1am. I felt like I had a worried look on my face the whole time because I was so paranoid that we'd be waking them up and they'd hate me in the morning.
-I made a crazy dinner that was reeeeaaaalllly good, but caused frustration. It was quinoa with black beans, sweet potato, chili flakes, lime juice, and cilantro. The black beans called for in the recipe sent me to the store only to come back home to not find the can opener. After 30 minutes of searching I resorted to using the tail end of a hammer on the lid.... Bean juice sprayed all over the wall. I was on the phone with my brother (the stud who was asked to the sadie hawkens dance today!!) at the time and we thought it was hilarious.
-It's Friday.

This really has been a strange week. With major highs and lows from very good to very bad... from a car accident, insurance frustrations to hanging out with quality people, seeing Wicked, and cooking triumphs. Since Sunday I haven't slept very well and I haven't been eating much. I felt like my body was shutting down last night when I was shivering in bed until I piled blankets on top of me.

So that's a really long blog to say where I'm at right now. I have something I shouldn't worry about anymore and I'm still worrying and something that should cause me anxiety but I have the assurance that what will be will be. Really confusing and lots of thoughts and random things. But either way, God is at my elbow and I'm his baby even though I have the significance of a grain of sand.