p.s.

Even though we grow up and we change, we still have to love and forgive the old self. Yikes I know. I just met with Dogterom and we were discussing the issue. Why must this concept be so hard?

I just want to leave her behind, but she follows me and she's a part of me. Jesus loves her, so should I.

since then

From an earlier conversation...

(After manually entering my student ID # into the cafeteria computer)
Caf. manager guy- This is not you.
me- Haha yep that's me freshman year.
- I don't believe you.
- Well it's true that was freshman year.
- I don't know I think I need a fingerprint scan.
- haha yeah... good idea. [inwardly rolling my eyes]
- So you're a senior?
- Yep a lot has changed since blond, short hair freshman year.
- haha
- Well, see ya later.

I've had this conversation or others similar to it so many times that it gets boring after the 20th person says that I look sooo different. Well it's true I do look different and not only that, but I am different. More has changed than my hairstyle during my years at Vanguard. I'm glad I'm not the same person I was freshman year. A friend and I were talking about how much we've changed since high school and she said to me, "Jenny, I dance on that grave every day."

I feel the same way. Thank you God that we change and grow up.

"But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." -2 Cor. 3:16-18

the computer lab

I don't know why I come in here. I really don't. I come to get work done, naturally, but there are so many people talking about their crushes, starbucks, and how "totally over it" they are and so much dang flirting that I can't hear my Mozart let alone my own thoughts. Maybe I'm just tired. Yeah or maybe just a senior who's graduating in less than 3 weeks!

dumb car

It took us 10.5 hours to drive back to Vanguard on a drive that should only take 7 hours. Lesson learned--never drive south on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.... and I thought airport security lines were bad! Sheesh! Also I have a sad story.

My little Zippy had a little leak that we had to repair during the break so we dropped him off with our mechanic. But as Sunday approached we hadn't heard from him so I had to leave little Zippy in Granite Bay. I'm seriously sad about it. Instead of driving the bug my parents graciously have loaned me Bubba, the big red family suburban complete with Spongebob Squarepants bumper stickers. Oh man, as if a massive suburban wasn't bad enough! haha So I had to trade this lovely little baby:














for this monster:














That's my story. Let me know if you are in need of a soccer mom, I could fill in! Well hopefully I'll find an apartment so I can use it to move.

p.s. my friends have this band called Telfaire and they are surprisingly good, despite all the cracks I've made. hehe

this is why

This story is one more reason why I care the way I do, have the theology that I have, appreciate the Imago Dei as much as I do, and love God as much as I can.

http://cjcphoto.com/can/

Thanks Sarah.

home

Home is truly incredible. A snapshot:

Tonight Ashton cooked chicken and crescent rolls for dinner and I microwaved the precooked rice (that stuff is amazing!). We sat at our everyday meal table that glows from the overhead lamp in its little octagonal alcove off the family area. We joked and raised our glasses for a toast initiated by my brother J.P. Tim and I did the dishes while J.P. put on a hat fresh prince style. All of a sudden, we were singing the Fresh Prince theme song word for word. Dad drove to pick up Mom from a late night at work, meanwhile Ashton played the piano. Mom entered shortly after and was excited about the meal Ashton had prepared. Tim, J.P., and I went on a starbucks run to get gingerbread lattes and peppermint mochas. We returned home and snuggled up for the evening in. First we watched an old episode of The Office. I began making chocolate chip cookies and we put on It's a Wonderful Life. With the smell of fresh baked cookies filling the house, the fire burning, family on every side keeping me warm, and the sense of leaving once again I began crying silently as George Bailey began to realize how... well... wonderful his life was. Once the movie ended we all said goodnight to one another and exchanged "I love you"s. I let those words sink in because hearing them feels so much better in person than over a phoneline.

an archive picture of the beautiful people I love from our time in Paris:


Pretty ordinary, but actually extraordinary. This isn't the experience for the majority of people and I'm so thankful for my family. Tomorrow I'm driving back to a place that still feels unfriendly and foreign sometimes because I'm missing these wonderful people. Nothing else matters that much on nights like these. Things like careers, deadlines, rent, money, plans, aspirations, etc. Love that comes unearned, regardless of achievements or failures, is so precious and beautiful. Why can't I just stay in your arms a little while longer?

Obviously I had a nice break. I hope everyone else enjoyed the time off and their loved ones.

finally home

Wow, a nice hot shower feels amazing after driving all freaking night!

Yeah we were going to leave at 4:30am because that's when Starbucks opens, but after my mom and Nic wondered aloud why we didn't just leave Tues. night we decided to leave as soon as everyone had their suitcases in order. Miraculously 3 duffle bags, 4 backpacks, 1 rolling suitcase, and other items fit in my little bug, Zippy, along with the 4 of us: Ashton, Tim, Nic, and me. We got snacks and coffee at Starbucks and started on the road at midnight. Crazy conversations and dancing in truckstops.... we documented segments of the trip, it should prove to be interesting footage.

I was so tired so we stopped to take a nap. Well actually Ashton and I attempted to sleep for a bit in a dark parking lot while the boys watched "Good Will Hunting" in the backseat. We were unsuccessful so at 4:45 am we decided breakfast at Denny's sounded good. Oh we were nasty and ridiculous after being awake that long. But my faithful oatmeal renewed my spirits, and I had the hope of a beautiful sunrise to brighten up the moonless drive.

As good as their intentions to help me stay awake were, my 3 lovely driving companions all drifted into sleep as the morning approached. Slowly the shade of blue grew brighter. Once in a while Nic roused from his napping and tried to fulfill his duty to help me stay awake, but I stifled his attempts at conversation because I knew he wanted to sleep and I wanted that morning to myself.

It wasn't really a sunrise because it's fall in northern Ca so it's often overcast, but I was amazed at each passing mile. The wide landscape covered in shades of brown and blue and low lying mist. Lone trees stood out and blackbirds flew in flocks. I couldn't help but smile especially when U2's "beautiful day" streamed from the speakers. Fall colors of red, yellow, orange, and brown flashed on the branches of trees. It was a perfect morning to return home.


"You should have seen that sun rise with your own eyes..." -John Mayer "3x5"


God is really amazing.

I appreciated being "alone" on the drive and I also am thankful to John, Jack, Nichole, Jem, Nickelcreek, Lifehouse, and Jars of Clay for helping me stay awake and singing the morning to me.

We arrived at approximately 9:30am... 9.5 hrs of driving! That said, I think it's time for a nap.

mmm home.

retreat

I went on my 6 hour spiritual retreat today. I went here:


















It's the piece of beach I have counted on since day 1 of freshman year. So many different occasions for visiting.... Anyway as I wade through what God is trying to teach me I knew that returning to this now sacred section of Newport Beach by the 6th st. lifeguard tower was the best place to spend my 6 hours. I arrived with heartache and my face cast low. But in the face of God every anxiety and fear seems to dissipate sometimes. The lies and insecurities that we hold near and dear may be comfortable, but they are soul killing. He wants to go deeper than the surface, deeper than sin. He wants to speak to the core of who we are, and in his perfect communion his heart speaks to our heart. He wants to tell us the truth about himself and the truth about who we are. Why does the truth scare us so much? Why do we want to hold onto a lie that seeks to kill us?

After watching a perfect sunset glow in brilliant colors, a school of dolphins slowly pass the shore, children jumping in the waves, feeling small and still in the dark dark night, and hearing the neverending love song of waves crashing I am left with his words...

This is how I love you little one.

'Tis

Yes, in Newport room 301A the holiday season has officially begun as of today Sunday November 19 in 2006 the year of our Lord. So after awkward interactions including someone asking me about my hugs and accidentally sending a girl I don't know a myspace invitation... long awkward ridiculous story. Anyway after all that I was glad to go to Rock Harbor, after a long absence, with Carrie, which was amazing. And then when I returned to the room the traditional holiday activities began.

Jenna started the Christmas music, I heated our spiced apple cider and molasses chews, I put on my pjs and wrapped myself in my red flannel blanket, and then the main event to christen the season.... Little Women.







This movie is sacred to us. It can't be explained. You must experience it in the correct context to understand its significance. But I must say I will be watching it a second time when I'm home, because as much as we tried to set the mood, it's not the same in a dorm room on a dry night after a really hot day. Nevertheless I am ready for the holidays.

And then I got a great e-card from Carrie. It was funny and ridiculous and I laughed loudly. Pretty much she's amazing and I love her.

exhale

It has been quite a week. Definitely the most stressful of this semester. My papers are done. I'm very proud of my Beauty and the Christian Life paper so maybe I'll put an excerpt at the end. (I just loved writing it, I'm sorry! haha) And my human sexuality paper... well it's done. I'm just proud of myself for miraculously finishing it at 5am on Thursday morning. Relationships are moving and evolving, and it's strange. Thanksgiving is next week, I can't wait to drive home at 4am Wed. morning. I'm graduating in 4 weeks! I'll be done with college! Well undergraduate at least. And I think I might put off my entrance into grad school until mid-late summer. Having a plan and just jumping right in seems to be something I'm doing to keep myself safe. I need room for transitioning and to hear God speak into my life, as much as his voice, especially when he talks about me to me, scares the hell out of me.

I'm starting to feel much better. I realized some things. First of all, I need a better sense of humor, I can be so uptight! Second, stress is useless. And last, life is too short to always be worried about the next thing because then you're distracted from the present thing. Bill Dogterom reminded me that the only thing I need to be concerned with is becoming Jenny, the rest will get taken care of. I looked in the mirror and thought yeah, I'm getting old from all this anxiety.

God is in control and I feel peace in that. He has really been speaking to me today. Mostly about his amazing sovereignty and his faithfulness. I don't need contigency plans. Anxiety about relationships and where I will live.... He has it taken care of it, I just need to wait and see. Relinquishment has been on my mind. I need to just breathe out the breath I'm always holding and declare in my words and actions, "I will follow you."



Beauty to consider:





















Excerpt from my paper, "Beauty, kitsch, the Imago Dei, and me: theology of aesthetics paper":

" The world is often characterized as an ugly, immoral place by most Protestant Christians. Churches bemoan the evil and depravity of society on Sunday mornings in earnest appeals to congregations to turn from their sins and cry out to God in repentance. Tracy Chapman sings, “leave us innocent of the things some do in the dark”—Christians are afraid of the dark. The darkness that strikes fear in the hearts of Christians manifests itself in many forms, whether it is hate, sinful human nature, social ills, or forces of evil.

Images of death, starvation, poverty, victimization, and violence confront the modern mind when one thinks about the human condition. Beauty seems to be of little concern in the midst of such misery. During the Holocaust of World War II, Anne Frank’s words are mystifying, “Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” The human heart longs for beauty even in the face of hopelessness and seemingly ubiquitous ugliness. The desire for beauty is so strong that it becomes a need. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and where there is beauty there is hope.

Beauty is not salvation, but it is a form of grace. Beauty is a reminder of the love and presence of God. Beauty is not the point of Christian faith, just as simple gestures of love are not the point in romantic relationships. When a relationship exists between two people, the flowers, gifts, kind words, and other acts of love do not create the relationship, rather they are created by the love that preceded those gestures. God created beauty to romance the human heart; his desire is that beauty will inspire his beloved to draw near to him. Through creation, he shares divine beauty.

God demonstrates his love by his interaction with the material world, first with creation and then with the incarnation. In his creation, he gave human beings the Imago Dei because he values his creation and wants to indwell it...

...Worshipping God in the darkness is powerful because it seems to symbolize our outcry in the darkness of the world and our sins to a God that is so other than the all too familiar darkness. Yet, we are aware of his presence in the midst of our darkness. There is darkness and there is ugliness, but beauty still finds us.

I want to apply my theological aesthetic to the world with an appreciation for the ordinary beauty that confronts me daily, and with love for the people around me who have value and dignity because of the Imago Dei. By viewing people in light of the Imago Dei they become beautiful and important, and it is a step toward seeing people through the eyes of Christ. And as my sole aim in life is to become Jenny and to live as a disciple of Christ, it is important for my theological aesthetic to inform my view of myself. The Imago Dei and God’s value of the physical world should not only affect the view I have of others, it should affect my own self-image. My hope is that my theological aesthetic will allow me to affirm my beauty and the art in me."

country roads.... take me home....

So apparently I will be driving home at the crack of dawn on Wednesday morning 11/22. One in our carpool ::cough, Nic:: has a commitment that he can't get out of on Tues. night. That is the latest update for Thanksgiving week vacation. But you know I actually appreciate roadtrips that start at dawn more than others... Oh sunrise, open roads, and starbucks.


This:















Not this:
















And some of this:

sex, csa, and peace

I'm stretching in the glow of the lamplight and smiling at the sound of Nickel Creek flowing from my computer. It's a good night. I went to Biola's library and got a strong start on my human sexuality paper. The research is very interesting. I read about sexual neuroses and fears and am looking forward to where the research takes me as I learn about what healthy development into a sexually mature person looks like. And since I am enjoying writing this paper so much, here's a sample either read it or skip over it...

|____"A person’s sexuality is an integral part of their being. Just like the emotions, mind, body, and spirit of a person play a role in forming his or her identity, so does sexuality. The fulfillment of sexuality is typically any type of sexual behavior and the ultimate culmination of sexuality is considered to be intercourse. The human body prepares itself for sexual behavior through the process of puberty. At the age of approximately 12-14 years old for females and approximately 13-15 years old for males, the human body is ready to perform sexually. However, many teenagers, and even adults for that matter, experience depression, confusion, and other negative emotions after having sex.
|____Even though the physical body has gone through the necessary development to perform sexually there has been insufficient personal emotional and social development. In order to have “good sex” one must go through necessary development to develop emotional and social maturity without healthy development one runs the risk of developing sexual pathologies such as: “hypophilia (also referred to as sexual dysfunction), hyperphilia (erotomania), and paraphilia (legally known as perversion)” .
|____Developing a sexual pathology is an extreme manifestation of insufficient sexual maturity. Less extreme symptoms of this lack of maturity include neurotic behavior experienced by the individual after completing the act of intercourse, such as: depression, dissastisfaction, disgust, guilt, resentment, fury, complaints, sullen silence, detachment, sleeplessness, bitterness, pessimism, or a desire to masturbate .
|____In order to establish whether one has reached developmental maturity one must consider what a healthy male and female feel like or act like after having intercourse. A “sexually mature man, on completing the sexual act, has an agreeable feeling of languor, and even of joyful optimism, feels tenderness for the woman, and later has the wish to sleep” and on the day after he “is filled with mental and physical freshness and vigor” . Similarly a sexually mature woman experiences a “release of tension, combined with a tender feeling of approval towards the man, contentment and gratitude, and finally the urge to sleep” and on the day after she has “an optimistic attitude with increased ability to work” . Reaching this point of sexual maturity requires a lengthy process of growth through working through fears and neuroses, confronting the false self, and developing a level of comfort and confidence with the opposite sex, especially a prospective intimate partner.
|____The imposter or the false self is a mask that immature people put on in order to keep fear hidden. Imposters have a desperate hunger that can be intuited by those around them and the result can be unhealthy attachments to other imposters and the deflection of mature and suitable partners.
|____There are many instances of people creating a sexual imposter in order to camouflage inner fears. One specific imposter is identified as the “wolf” or “she-wolf” this person holds inner fears of impotency or frigidity (respectively) and responds to those fears with hiding mechanisms and acting out with promiscuity . The result of overcompensating for fears and neuroses is often dissatisfaction and a vain search for someone to fulfill one’s personal fantasies, which are usually unrealistic if not impossible to satisfy."

Oh sex...

My presentation at the CSA conference on Friday went so well! I'm very relieved. I was 1 of 6 presenters, 4 of which were grad students. People thought I was a grad student, I was very flattered. And it heightened my anticipation of grad school. I love academic engagement! Yes, I am a nerd.

Currently I am peaceful and happy. I am expectant for the future and not anxious for the time being. Yes, I need to find a place to live post-graduation, but God has me in his very capable hands. If he gives shelters to the sparrows, why wouldn't he give the same to me? Yes, boys and relationships are confusing, but there is timing and as I wait I learn to love better and I am learning what I want and need as well as what I don't want. In the meantime I am being refined. And I'm surrounded by beauty especially beautiful friends like this one:



I <3 Carrie Dievendorf.

adulthood knocks

Well I got my first full month's pay from my new job in the school district. My estimated monthly income from my combined jobs at this point is $1200. Sounds like a lot, huh? Nope not really. At least not in Orange County where most places to live are around $500+. Lord have mercy! I would love to find a place for around $400. Maybe I'm unrealistic... Oh well.


I'm scared.

anxiety

I don't know if I can emphasize it anymore..... but..... I am so nervous for presenting my paper on the sexual abuse of children with disabilities at the Ca. Soc. Assoc. conference THIS FRIDAY!!!! Well actually I'm not sure exactly when I'm presenting because there's a rumor it may change. I feel sick and I can't sleep!!!!


http://www.class.csupomona.edu/Organizations/csa/conference/conference.html

that's it

I'm over the whole finding true love thing. It's too confusing and makes things awkward and uncomfortable. I think I'll just have my parents betrothe me, they can give my husband's family a cow or something for a dowry.

faith and nature...

Well I'm doing actual schoolwork today. Shocking. I'm reading lecture notes from Beauty and the Christian Life and this part about St. Francis of Assisi caught my eye. He is famous for having a love of creation, he even preached to nature. He exhorted animals to glorify God, preached to a wolf, and commanded swallows to be silent and they were. He viewed creation as sacramentalized and enchanted.

I thought that was rather interesting. And laughed to myself because it made me think of the Chronicles of Narnia and of my childhood. I was worried about the salvation of my cat Shadow and my dog Jasmine. So separately I took them aside; I told them the gospel and prayed with them to receive Christ.

Oh the anxieties of childhood.

Although looking back I think I had a hamster at the time and wasn't very worried about him. Maybe it was because he had a biting problem. hmm...

xx

Despite the whole sexism thing, being a female truly is great. For many reasons, which I will not list.

and p.s. the male gender is pretty fantastic as well, with obvious exceptions. But guy friends are the best.

Saturday

It's an incredible Fall day. I've been able to hang out with some really great people and that is just amazing. I have about 3 hours until my next commitment... dinner with a friend. And I am just really happy about life right now. It's not perfect, and there are quite a few things to worry about, if I made that choice. But I'm not going to. I'm going to read and contemplate a theology of beauty for my upcoming paper and maybe I'll think about sex for that other paper. Anyway I'll leave you with this--it's a poem interspersed with pieces of the Orthodox Divine Liturgy I wrote for my Beauty and the Christian Life ecclesial aesthetic report. I get carried away sometimes and that's alright with me.



Darkness filled the air of the morning.
Cold morning mist clung to the earth,
just as the sins of the weekend clung to my skin.
Through the fog arose the edifice of St. Paul’s.
I walked alone despairing in the dark morning,
with unclean hands I opened the doors and entered sanctuary.


The service of matins resonated in the still air;
voices sang of our Lord and the hope of the gospel,

"Savior, I direct the eyes of my heart unto You in heaven. Save me, I pray, shining on me Your resplendence."

Reverence was invoked by the steady cadence of the choirs.
A female voice now rang out with exquisite clarity,

"We worship the Father and together His Son and the Holy Spirit, the Holy Trinity, one in essence, and we cry aloud together with the Seraphim: Holy, Holy, Holy are You, O Lord."

The word “holy” echoed in my heart,
my heart lifted itself up to God with the song of the choirs,

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your great mercy; and according to the magnitude of Your compassion blot out my transgression.

"Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

"Cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me."

As the fragrance of incense and the steady current of intonations swelled
the space seemed to vibrate with magnitude of mystery and greatness of God.


The chanting voices slowly faded.
Suddenly a larger choir of voices rang out over our heads
and the lights in the room flickered to life.
The Divine Liturgy began with light chasing away shadows and haze
and the choir brightly singing a song of praise.
All I could do was close my eyes and stand in awe of God.


The priest began the liturgy in a rich baritone voice
the walls vibrated with the power of the gospel he chanted.
A God that is big, a God that is infinite was in our midst—
we were magnifying God who is “unto the ages of ages”.
The church with its high ceilings and interior filled with light
trembled with his overwhelming presence.


From that dark morning the sunlight began to shine brighter.
The fog in the air and the despair in my heart melted in that light;
through stained glass it streamed in with rays lighting up the faces of worshippers.
In those rays the incense swirled into the air
as our prayers and praise rose to the throne from our mouths and hearts.
The light will always triumph over the darkness.


Children made their way down the pew toward the center aisle
the priest tenderly held and blessed each head.
The children turned and made their way back to their parents’ sides
where bright eyes of affection shined down.
Love was written on the mosaics and in the hearts of the orthodox.
People who love each other are an aesthetic.


The people were called to read the creed of the church
to remind us of the beliefs and truths we hold.
I felt the gravity of the one about whom we read,

"I believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible.

"And in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all ages. Light of Light, true God of true God, begotten, not created, of one essence with the Father, through whom all things were made."

Not just one voice, but all voices spoke aloud.
It was a unanimous declaration of faith
that has been proclaimed by the orthodox through history.


The service transcended contemporary culture.
It appealed to the kingdom that we proclaim
that does not subject itself to the fashions of this age.
Every act and icon appealed to the mysteries of God,
fragrant incense and the chanted liturgy are meant to invoke awe.
Fear of the Lord is the silent reverence found in that awe.



Fear of the Lord allows us to enter into his presence.
In that infinitely great presence not much is expected in our response;
for ultimately God desires to love his people.
His longing for us is simply to accept his love and love him in return.
The incense and the beautiful songs of the liturgy move us to desire the Beautiful One.
Through beauty he romances the human heart.