the studying is making me delirious...

... but there's always time to procrastinate in search of something hilarious... tonight's winner:


toothpastefordinner.com

math whiz

Alright so I was at Kean for 6 hours today, 4 of which were spent studying. I took a CSET practice test in preparation for my huge day of testing next Saturday.... yikes.

I was intrigued at my results. First off, they are lower than I'd like because I took the practice test before any studying has taken place in order to get an idea of my raw knowledge. The section I thought would be my easiest, Reading, Language, and Literature, did not turn out very well. Nor did History/Social Science, Science, or Art. Surprisingly I did better on Science than History.

And very surprising was how well I did on the Math, Physical Ed., and Human Development portions. My score in P.E. was perfect and I only missed 4 questions out of 26 on the math portion, 2 errors due to not paying attention. I admit it, I love math and gosh darnit I'm good at it!

Well off to more studying...

kind of interesting, kind of a lot of creepy

where there's smoke there's....

The fires have been unbelievable, they weren't this bad 4 years ago when the ground was covered in a blanket of ash. I saw a lot of smoke and ash today so to my mind that's a good thing because they're getting the Irvine and fires in the surrounding area under control at least.

I also received an email from Rick Warren.... i.e. mass mailer.... about how Saddleback responded to the crisis and I thought wow, that's great, there's one major strength to mega churches--lots of resources and becoming central sources of community support and aid.

Question: does Dwight have a 2nd job?

Fact: he apparently poses as a jr. High pastor from Arkansas

la paix pour tout le monde...

Lessons learned...

1. Life is not meant to be lived alone.
2. Ambiguous relationships with members of the opposite sex are dangerous.
3. Sometimes you lose when you win.
4. Spinach is really a super food.
5. Cheesy, casserole caf. food won't make you feel better.
6. Take initiative.
7. Think about the longterm effects of actions.
8. Don't live by the flesh.
9. Patience, patience, patience.
10. Peace is more valuable than justice sometimes.
11. Have a life, work/school don't make a life.
...

Just some things I've learned in the past few years, mainly during college. I'm so glad we have the past to learn from. I wish I didn't make mistakes in the first place but I'm so grateful that they teach me so that I don't have to make the same mistakes again.

This week I've been really tempted to make certain mistakes again... For instance a situation arose on Thursday where my roommate opened one of my four bottles of wine and drank it thinking it was her's. I was very frustrated with the situation because it happened to be one of my bottles of Pine Ridge. I only drink good wine and I drink it very rarely so I was kind of offended. I recognized it was an honest mistake, but I was more frustrated when she kind of blamed me for the mistake.

The temptation... to be right, to seek justice for myself. But thinking back on certain roommate situations where, in my mind, I won the battle, I lost the war meaning that I felt justified. But in the process I had burned bridges in pursuit of that justice and was left with my war path of brokenness in relationship and grace.

So here I am four years later, a new woman. I'm swallowing my pride in the desire for peace. Oh what a difficult pill to take. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm wiser than I once was and I have a little bit more grace though it still can be distorted.

my heart is at home

Find me here...








I was so tired. I needed this.

No need to perform, but to be just a daughter, not an employee, student, or anything else. This weekend has refreshed my spirit more than I can describe. I don't understand how people can be so far from family. They build me up and bring me new life.

What a weekend it has been! Fall is beautiful here. Starting with driving through Sacramento's backroads and countryside on a "shortcut" from the airport with my mom. Crisp night watching the homecoming game at my old high school. An amazing drive to Placerville to visit Apple Hill with J.P. Fall leaves made trees look like they were on fire. We drove through the country past farms and finally arrived at High Hill Ranch to eat apple pie, drink cider, and buy apples to take back down the hill. A beautiful day with a beautiful person.

This evening was absolutely perfect. My parents and I got some delicious food for dinner. In the dusk dad grilled chicken kabobs, mom and I prepared asparagus, salads, and sautéed grape tomatoes. We took wine and candles and ate in the backyard. What a beautiful night. We talked and laughed together reclining under the cabana with our glasses. Then inside to watch Sabrina and bake the apple pie I brought home from Apple Hill. Delicious, warm, calm, comforting, loving.

I can breathe easier here. I have missed it. And while I've been away, life has gone by. I feel older--seeing boys I used to babysit tower over me and talk to me in deep voices as men. Going back to a hectic and, in some ways, lonely life down south with no one to hold me and take care of me will be hard tomorrow. But for now my room is warm, the light is soft, and my head is leaning toward the pillow. This moment is good.

Vanguard, my vanguard

I love my alma mater. I learned and grew so much there. Those were precious years. My dream is to one day return as a faculty member to re-introduce a special education program.

I talked with Prof. Rybarczyk (seen above) at a wedding on Sunday and it was like writing on the wall. Everyone on staff, faculty, boards, and administration have been under considerable stress and pressure lately. This week the thought entered my mind, what if there was no Vanguard to return to?

Quite an over-exaggeration, but financial woes are scary. Vanguard has been important to my family for 3 generations, without it I would not be here.... My parents met there....

Hard times are ahead as house-keeping is in order after years of putting it off. I'm thankful for businesspeople on the board and in administration who were able to be rational about everything instead of increasing debts.

A lot is changing, but every university and institution has growing pains. It's hard. Now we see what sort of situation would have made the school sell all their valuable land across the street decades ago.

The board and administrators care so much about their students that they cut costs rather than raising the tuition to what would have been considerable highs. In everything that is being decided the students' best interests are put first. Because that is what Vanguard has always been about and will continue to uphold, the formation of students into spiritual, academic, professional, community, and world leaders.

Some want to blame someone, I guess people can point fingers. For them, I have my grandpa's office number, he's on the board and obviously helped make many of the decisions.

My view... I think God is doing great things there. He is in this too.

it's fall

Today I was sitting in traffic and I started listening to Tracy Chapman. Something about fall tells me that it's time to add her back into the music line up. As I sat there inching up the 55 at a all time low of 0-5 mph I remembered last year.


(Jenna's on the left, that's me and that's my other sr. year roommate Jessica)

After class I would walk back to my dormroom and listen to leaves crunching under my eager feet as the wind picked them up and swirled them around. I would bound up the stairs and quickly walk into our quiet room where I would fling my stuff down with a thud.

I would sigh heavily and look at Jenna who would usually be sitting at her desk with a blanket wrapped around her as she held a mug of coffee or hot chocolate. Her eyes would be fixed on something outside as she appeared to be deep in thought.

"It's getting colder outside," I'd say.
"I know! I love fall," Jenna would answer back with a smile.
"Yeah, I just need to dress warmer," I'd laugh. Then I would pause and ask, "Can I turn on Tracy Chapman?"
Jenna would roll her eyes at my habit of fixating on a particular artist or cd for weeks at a time until I "killed it", but as gracious as she is she humored me and she would say, "sure."

I'd then make myself a cup of tea and settle onto my bed to read and watch the world changing into fall in mutual silence with Jenna as Tracy Chapman sang in a rich deep voice about life and love.

I miss those days.



It's fall and I feel nostalgic.

In the meantime I was late to class because of the traffic and work calls me back from my reveries.

weddings

I saw my cousin get married today. She looked gorgeous. It was a beautiful affair. Fall and winter weddings are extra special for some reason. Every time I go to a wedding, the whole thing grows deeper and deeper into profundity as I begin to grasp what marriage is more and more. It's a big deal.

On the trivial side, the more I think about it, I'm convinced I want a wedding where my guests eat breakfast food at the reception and listen to Jack Johnson.

well, here I am. (caution to reader)

Life is good, full, but good. I'm trying to handle the stress better, but that's something I'm not gifted at. If the stress doesn't manifest itself in mind fog or emotions it manifests itself in my body in various ways. I'm sorry body, you're going to get old fast if I don't cut it out. :( I'm really sick of talking about how stressed and busy I am though, but it just continues to be very true. Next semester I am NOT taking 13 units, it's insane! 9 units is a full load, I should stick with that.

When's the last time I wrote something insightful on this thing? I'm thinking August. I feel like that's really out of character for my writing. And that's sad. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my writing and that I really need to pursue that more. I've had several people discuss my writing with me. A professor liked one of my papers so much that she had me make her a copy she could use in future classes. I don't know. I guess it feels really good to be noticed for something... I don't mean that to be prideful.

That's it for my rambling.... I'm debating whether I want to blog something I wrote for a class. (Not the one where the prof. wanted a copy) It's pretty much the cliffnotes of my life story. It's rather intense actually, I read it to my class because we all had to present our narratives of otherness in class. The response from the class was absolute silence when I was done. So read on if you're comfortable with that, but if not I suggest you stop here.


_Grace_

I once was lost...

I was not a very social child, but was considered to be very beautiful when I was little. Once I hit nine years old, my awkward stage seemed to take away the beauty of my childhood, at least in my eyes. I noticed how different my body looked compared to my classmates—my arms seemed to be the same size as their twiggy legs. Horrified and angry, the abuse started. I hated the person I saw in the mirror—she was bad and ugly.

I felt guilty for who I was… or wasn’t.

To make up for my perceived lack of beauty I relied on my talents to compensate. Blind to the unconditional nature of my parents’ love, I tried to earn it. My mom loves sports, so I tried desperately to be good at sports, but no amount of determination, baggy shirts, or basketball shorts could allow me to successfully pose as an athlete. My dad is intelligent, so I decided to work hard in school—that worked. I became one of the smart kids. It made me feel better that I was good at something.

Hinging your worth on the approval of others is never a good idea. Somehow the person you were gets lost.

I was a chameleon, trying to be whatever people wanted. Then I found myself not liking who I was, finally I was rejected by my friends. Something that was growing thin finally broke. That rejection seemed to prove my feelings of worthlessness. Through jr. high and high school, I felt alone and desperate for acceptance. I limited myself to labels: “smart” and “nice.” I tried so hard to live up to some image, but felt dissatisfied and wondered if anyone could like me just as I am.

Trying so hard to be someone else because who I was wasn’t acceptable.

My brother made the process of growing up more complicated. I didn’t want to be noticed, but going out with him made that impossible. He has pervasive developmental delays and when he was little he used to throw tantrums. I remember the stares. I wasn’t sympathetic, to say the least. Everything in myself that I hated, seemed to be embodied in him. He was chubby and vulnerable, he attracted negative attention and he was mentally challenged.

In spite of his challenges or rather because of them, God used him as a divine instrument to break down the walls I had built up.

My relationship with my brother has taught me how to accept myself as I embraced all of him, especially the parts that marginalize him. As we have grown older we have both grown softer. There have been many hard learning moments, mirror moments, times when something reflects who I am. I remember clearly after dinner one night, as my brother and I were cleaning up, I grew frustrated with him. After my repeated orders, he grew upset and started crying. He yelled, “You always want everything perfect, perfect, perfect! I can’t be perfect!” His words couldn’t have sunk deeper. His words seemed to even be my own heart’s words to me. I wasn’t being fair to him or myself.

The pursuit of perfection leaves little room for grace and authenticity.

The process is painful and slow, but I’m releasing my desire to fit into a certain mold and forgetting what it means to be normal. I’m learning grace and love for others and myself. The past few years have brought healing. Finally I am becoming the person I am meant to be. I’m even beginning to love the younger me who I used to hate so much.

My story isn’t meant to blame anyone. Even the lines between victim and perpetrator are blurred.
My story is about a girl, a boy, and God. It’s very long, but the ending is good.

God wove us into being,
Meet J.P., and you see me.
Meet me, and you see J.P.
He introduced me to the divine love that has chased me since birth.

I once was lost, but now I’m found.

tips for the male gender

Sorry when we're not that into you, but here's something that you may find useful in the future with OTHER girls. (key word being "other," meaning not me)

Don't be creepy.
Don't be stalkerish.
Don't be desperate.
Don't constantly text or call us.
Don't talk about the future too fast.

Do take it slow.
Do be careful and slow to disclose feelings and history.
Do pursue us in healthy ways.
Do honor us with consideration, attention, and privacy.
Do listen to us and give us equal talking time.

These things are tricky. Dating is a perilous endeavor.


See look at these guys. Yikes! haha