the sun has gone to bed and so must I

I don't know if I can emphasize it anymore... I hate goodbyes. The natural course of life involves many transitions and changes. Leaving and saying goodbye to people and places is a part of that natural process. However, that doesn't make the whole thing any less painful or frustrating.

I had to say goodbye to friends this week. Some I will miss for a few weeks, others a few months, and there are some who I may never cross paths with again.








I was so excited to get home today. But I found myself in the middle of a mess at home. Among other things, I found out that one family member was very ill. Our poor baby Bailey was so sick. When I saw her I knew and it made me sad. We all took her to the vet. to have her put to sleep. My mom, my sister, and I couldn't stop crying. There we were saying goodbye to her as she lay there weak from the cancer with her tail still wagging at all of us. Part of family is doing things like that together.

urban plunge recap.

This past weekend truly was incredible. I don't know if I can fully convey what this weekend meant to me and taught me.

I signed up for Rock Harbor's Go campaign Urban Plunge trip a few weeks ago. Honestly, I mostly went because my life group was going and it happened to fit into my schedule. This past week the gravity of this trip hit me as well as the need to pray in preparation. I was really nervous and had no idea what to expect.

As we drove through Long Beach I began to feel overwhelmed because all of a sudden I felt very far away from my home. I was really quiet as we drove because God had some stuff to say.

When our group walked into the Long Beach Rescue Mission (where we spent the weekend) and through the courtyard to the apartment that the 13 of us would be sharing, there were nearly 200 men in the courtyard watching us. I felt nervous and anxious. What was I getting into? What could I say? What could I offer?

That first night was hard and starting conversations took a lot of effort. Then our team went upstairs and we began to talk about different ministry models like those of Jesus (naturally) and Mother Theresa, who went OUT to the people.

Saturday we were downstairs at 6:30 to greet our friends from the night before. I saw Ike, who I had met the previous night, and talked with him a bit. After breakfast and clean up we went upstairs to talk about missional versus attractional models of ministry. We had a really great discussion about that. Then we had a challenge...

no wallets, no money, find lunch.

Jesse, Cassie, and I went off on a mission to panhandle. Cassie and I paired up while Jesse worked alone. It was really humbling to ask people for spare change. We were ignored by a lot of people and given very dirty looks by some mean rich white ladies. But when all was said and done after 30-45 minutes of "excuse me, do you have any spare change?" we made about $8 donated by a teenage girl, a young couple, a lady selling bootlegged copies of movies like Ocean's 13, and a few other people. $3 we gave away to 2 real homeless guys who asked us for money and then the 3 of us got lunch at Taco Bell. A sweet success. (Jesse didn't make any money) It was a verrry educating experience.

So was Lincoln Park. It's a park where all the homeless people in downtown Long Beach hang out. Cassie and I felt the numbers of homeless people quite daunting and we finally decided to talk to a lady with a baby (yeah such a cop-out), but a 40 something yr old guy sitting about 10 ft away on the same bench caught my eye.

me: Hi, how are you?
him: pretty good. do you got a sandwich?
me: what?
him: sandwich. ever heard of a sandwich?
me: um... no I don't have one. We already ate. uh... I don't have any food or money.
him: I'm not asking for your money! Shoot! You don't understand anything.

At this point I usually would have given up, but I became very bold this weekend and I knew I needed to talk to this guy so I pushed again at conversation.

me: uh, hey did you hear a church is printing a newsletter about the stories of homeless people?
him: why are you talking to me from way over there? come over here to talk to me.

I changed the distance between us from 6 ft to 1 ft.

me: My name's Jenny.

I extended my hand. He looked at my hand and then at me for a long minute before he slowly shook my hand with his.

him: Hi Jenny, my name's B.... that was good. let's do that again.
me: Hi, my name's Jenny.
B: Hi, my name's B-town.

We went on to have a very honest conversation about the issue of the general population's fear of the homeless and homelessness in general. He had a lot of opinions about all that, but he was committed to not sharing anything about himself. I asked him lots of questions trying to see if he'd open up. He was amused by my "inquisitive young mind". In my dirty clothes, messy hair, and complete lack of makeup I smiled when he told me to watch out for those "young Christian men" because I'll be in trouble this summer according to him. haha

We invited him to eat dinner at the mission since we were staying and eating there, I was disappointed when I didn't see him that night.

Our team had a great time eating some special ice cream and playing games with the mission staff later that night. Then we went upstairs to pray about our personal ministry models.

Sunday morning, we woke up had breakfast with our friends at the mission who we were now so comfortable with. Played some intense basketball with some of my team. Then we went to chapel and I sat with Ike. After chapel I was looking around as we waited to be called into the dining area and who did I see across the aisle but B-town!

me: Hey, B-town!
B: Hey beautiful!

After eating a really great Sunday lunch with the guests I approached Ike first to get him to write his name and prayer requests in my journal. Then I asked B-town. Here was this guy who was at first pretty gruff and cold, who all of a sudden was smiling and friendly. He didn't share anything with me at the park so I was really affected when he wrote his real name and the name of his daughter for me to pray for. I met a lot of great people, but those 2 men really had a great impact on my heart.

I learned so much this weekend. God did great things and surpassed all my expectations. I felt like something in me changed or grew or something over the past few days.

What now? Well, not the cliche response of feeling guilty about possessions, that's not what it's about. First of all, I need to live out the ministry I've been called to. Then, I want to really see people and be present with them. I want to talk with and reach out to the homeless on a more regular basis. So if anyone wants to go hang out at Lincoln Park or help at the LB mission you know who to ask.

have we met before?

At lifegroup tonight (oh I love my lifegroup) we talked about how we see others, ourselves, how God sees all of us, love, and the power of God. We were asked, "When did you or someone you know display the power or love of God?" I talked about my brother J.P.

Another time maybe I'll expound upon that. Besides Jesus, he has changed my life more than any other person. I love talking about him and all that I've learned from him, but I rarely have those safe moments with people willing and interested to listen for me to share. So many people will never know me at any depth. You see, if you don't know him you will never understand who I am or where I've been. If you know my brother you know me.

franglais...

I don't understand the American belief that adding a French article such as "le", "la", or "les" to something will make it more romantic and appealing. This example cracks me up. As if the huge pink donut (not pictured) on top of the shop was not sophisticated enough they added "le" to the restaurant title. It made me smile.

remember?

Tonight I watched "Unknown White Male" with friends. It was really great, I recommend it. As I drove home I was thinking about one of the premises of the movie: how much our experiences shape who we are. There's so much philosophy there...

When I drove through Vanguard's campus after dropping a friend off I looked at it differently after seeing that movie. I felt like crying. I looked up at the bare windows of the old towers remembering so many things that had happened there and feeling almost sad that it was now quiet and still. Yellow streetlights let speckled shadows pass my windows as memories of my time there washed over me. Part of me wants to revisit those old dorm rooms, the cafeteria, classrooms... to remember all that transpired, but I know it would just be trying to recreate a feeling of an era that's over. College friends are scattered. Friendships drop off and change, friends start careers, get married, or move to countries like Burma or Uganda. It has to change of course. It's just so hard to say goodbye.

freshman year before a rez rally

unexpected joys

There are many times when we anticipate certain outcomes in situations and we're surprised by what actually happens.

This morning I went to prayer at Rock Harbor and I expected to leave "feeling" a certain way. I had entitlements that got in the way and after leaving disappointed and thinking for a while I realized that God had something a little bigger than a "feeling" in mind for me.

This afternoon I had scheduled to meet a friend for dinner and was not really looking forward to it because the last few times we've hung out it was kind of awkward. After dinner and great conversation I left realizing that in her I have a good friend, so good in fact that we made a commitment to travel the world together if I'm not married by the time I turn 30. haha

Then tonight I got lost for a while because I made a wrong turn onto the freeway. I was 10 minutes behind schedule and frustrated. Finally I turned onto Irvine Dr. and at the stoplight that sits right before you start the curvy glide past backbay Sufjan started playing through my stereo. The windows were rolled down, "Chicago" was blaring, a dark backbay and glowing Orange County lights passing by me as I twisted down the road as the only car. It was a marvelous drive that made me thankful for life and wonderful cold air in my lungs.

That's all.

no more thanks.

Thankfully I haven't had a day like today in a very long time.

I left work a zombie sucked dry of any real energy and running on reserve. After two days of having an overwhelming amount of kids in my after-school class due to one teacher who moved to Hawaii and one who's out sick, I feel completely wiped out. (Remember that I want to be a special education teacher for students with moderate to severe disabilities so I will have a max. of around 10 students) Add to that the pressure I feel to meet expectations in my relationships and writing my graduate school statement of intent...

I wrote most of it on Saturday and stayed up until 1am last night to finish it. I was pretty proud of myself that I finally did something I had put off for.... I don't know... the past 8 months. Procrastination is an understatement. As relieved as I was to have finished it, I vainly hoped that I wouldn't need to change it after friends and family edited it.

After a day as ridiculous as this one my family called and my parents both took turns telling me what was wrong with my paper and my writing. I believe they said something to the effect of it was not college-level writing. That made me feel really special. I guess the past few months post graduating only writing emails and blogs didn't do much to keep up the standard of my academic writing. (If anyone wants extra reading you can have a chance to rip it apart as well)

Anyway I appreciate the criticism because I want to send in an amazing statement, but it was just too much after today.

So now I'm trying to catch my breath and I'm reminded of the words "Mama said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this mama said..."

deliciousness

This is an amazing cafe in Long Beach. At some point in the next few weeks I'm going to enjoy some French-American cuisine there.

But for now I'm going to try to stay in my pjs as long as possible.