weakness

So here are some of my weaknesses....














Shakira.... I can't help dancing.... scary



earning:

yep... foil stars










stepping on:










beautiful boys, not hot or cute, but beautiful.























singing in the car















laughing at inappropriate things or at inappropriate times




















talking to friends when I should be working


.... procrastination in general. Speaking of which, back to papers!!

laissez

find me here.

Waiting in an airport for five hours to go home I met with God.

I have listened to Nichole Nordeman's "Lay it Down" exactly 50 times this week. The chorus is still repeating,

"Lay it down a little
Lay it down a lot
I don't want to hold it anymore
Lay it down in pieces
Lay it down in whole
Everything I've carried on my own
Lay it down, lay it down
Lay it down, lay it down"

This is not a culmination of only one event, it is the culmination of my life with Him.

With crayons I wrote Him a letter and humbled myself as a daughter. Not as student, employee, or disciple. It's embarassing to cry in a crowded airport. He answered me and I was overwhelmed. I was suddenly aware that the risen Christ was with me there in John Wayne airport. So for 2 hours I sat with Him and listened to his heart.

My self is defined in this: I am one loved by God.

Wednesday woes

Tonight was such a crappy night! Uuuugh! I just feel like I'm fighting against myself.... like I just want to jump out of my skin and run away from who I am tonight. Whoa, kind of deep and emo. But it has been a bad night. I made a fool of myself and succeeded in antagonizing a whole room in my favorite class with my favorite professor. Then I called my mom to wish her Happy Birthday and ended up getting mad and frustrated about stuff and ending the conversation abruptly. Who am I tonight?? Ok, I'm done with this disheartening reflection.

intercession

Let me step outside of myself and my problems for a moment and call attention to North Korea...

U.N.: N. Korea puts disabled in camps
http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/10/23/un.nkorea.ap/index.html

How is this happening?

Not only are people with disabilities being put in camps, but apparently Christians are there also.

And thus my need to intercede as Prof. Dogterom discussed today.

Oh Tracy Chapman...

"In the Dark"

Make me fumble
Make me fall
Make my heart stop and start
To tremble uncontrollably
Let my eyes see fear make desire
Keep those who long apart
Forbid the kiss
And leave us innocent
Of the things some do in the dark

The things some do in the dark
The things some do in the dark

Make me remember
Make me forget
Make my mind unable
To force the body to do its will
Let it be right for belief and denial
To share a space in the heart and leave us only to imagine
About the things some do in the dark

The things some do in the dark
The things some do in the dark

Make me pretend
Make me expect
Things can go and come to pass
Without trial or tribulation
Let this life space and time
Leave my body with permanent marks
Faded scars and lines
But not a single impression
Of the things some do in the dark

The things some do in the dark
The things some do in the dark

Let me be tempted
Let me be torn
But make my thoughts pure and not
Morally corrupt in form
Let us sleep tonight
Let innocence lie in our dreams and secret hearts
With burning desire
A need to know and do
The things some do in the dark

The things some do in the dark
The things some do in the dark

Grace and flesh

Sometimes people make mistakes, I do. But is it strange that God ministers to me through my sin? That even though my sin is dark and grievous his grace and love are FAR STRONGER. My flesh lives by instinct and sight, it rebels against logic and the spirit. Oh but for the grace of God...

"If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared...

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption..." (Psalm 130:3,4,7)


"Broken", Tracy Chapman

You can close your eyes
And see the picture perfect life
Inside of your mind
Dreaming only of the days ahead
Wanted and wished for more than now
Or the days behind
You waste your time

The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken
The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken

You can never think
You can't even stop yourself
Before the words have been spoken
And you've already said
You would give everything
And something for nothing
Everybody thinks you're joking

The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken
The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken

You want to be the one
Made over be your own
Before and after
And a supermarket
Beauty in a bottle queen
Who'll one day grace a check-out counter
Magazine front cover
Though the fine print reads

The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken
The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken

Lets it be broken
Lets it be broken
Broken
Lets it be broken
Lets it be broken
Broken
Broken

Your life is never what you wanted
Not even halfway normal
Just tarnished and soiled
When in your reach
A framed and frozen moment
So far from perfection
Not truth or transcendence
Will set you free
Still you don't believe

The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken
The picture makes a promise
The flesh lets it be broken

oh love

My mind is blurry with thoughts. Logic has taken a beating lately.

I know this, I do want to meet an amazing man. Someone who is passionately in love with Jesus Christ. One who loves reading. With whom I can discuss theology, culture, beauty, history, life, and significant sitcoms like Seinfeld and The Office, which have been oh so formative in the shaping of society. Who respects me and I respect. Who makes me smile and laugh. Who brings out the best in me. A man who is in a word, beautiful. A man who loves me and I love in return. For him I will wait.

I just hope the waiting isn't too long.

Brennan Manning

Brennan Manning is speaking in Vanguard's chapel this week. Due to work and class I can't go to any, but I had the opportunity to go tonight at 7pm so I ditched Christian Heritage.

I don't know how to describe or explain what he had to say... Let's just say I've never cried in church as much as I did tonight nor have I ever been as covered in snot as I was tonight. Unattractive, I know. Unloveable? Never.

SEX research topic

I think I finally picked a research topic for my human sexuality topic:

the emotional/psych. development that must precede sex

I know not erotic enough. haha

But it's a serious issue. Sex rips people apart when they have not developed enough as people, EVEN in MARRIAGE!

As for now that's my topic. Yay sex! Goodness knows I shouldn't do one on the female orgasm (Emily...) or positions (Missy...). haha

Sex is great!!!



Well at least I BELIEVE it is, with no experience to speak of. haha

....

I love the Little Women soundtrack. Right now just listening to that is enough.

Attention!

My paper on the sexual abuse of children with disabilities has been accepted by the California Sociological Association! I have the opportunity to present my paper at the CSA conference in Riverside in November! I am so excited!!!

alive

I feel very alive these days because I know why I am here. Not what career I'll have or who I'll marry or any other details. Rather why I exist. It is beautiful to breathe in and out and realize that that simple breathing is an act of worship to the Creator who put that breath there. To know that innate in each human being is the Imago Dei, the image of God. Each human soul is beautiful. Beauty goes down to such great depths and God has blessed each one of us with it. I am beautiful. You are beautiful. Don't mistake that for something shallow because when I saw beautiful I am speaking of a holistic quality that is physical yes, but also goes down to the core of who someone is.

The Imago Dei....

If I taught one college course it would be all about the Imago Dei because the beauty and profundity of it just put me in awe. I was on the verge of tears in Beauty and the Christian Life tonight when Prof. Rybarczyk talked about the Imago Dei and beauty. Oh man....

We are here....

I am here to be, to exist first. Function and achievement are secondary. Primarily we are here to just BE.


I can't even put this beautiful profundity into words. All I know is that if some Christian guy talked to me about the Imago Dei I would ask for his hand in marriage.

Shalom.

today

So far: I woke up. It's Sarah's birthday! Attended mass at 8am. Got starbucks with Jenna (orange cranberry scone and a nonfat vanilla latte with honey). Nearly finished my Christian heritage church visit report paper. Went to help with Special Stars at Saddleback. Laughed with friends and kids. Sighed from how good today has been and how I feel. Went to Trader Joe's with Jenna. Ate naan bread with bruschetta, yogurt with raspberries and granola, and pumpkin seeds. My room smells like apple cider. I feel a crisp breeze and hear flag football outside; it's definitely fall. Another sigh of goodness. Cleaned my area. Drank really cold water. Saw pictures of Dana's adventures in Greece (go look at them, they're so beautiful!!...
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=13137938&MyToken=6126def3-6b4b-43cf-90fc-02cbda255378 )

Plans for the rest of 10.8.06: Finish Christian heritage paper, way early I might add since it's due 11.28. hehe... Finish Mullholland's "Shaped by the Word" out in the open air and write a book report on it. Make lots of delicious tea. Listen to more Keith Urban and Tracy Chapman. Enjoy dinner. Attend Rock Harbor. Sing loud. Smile. Thank God. Go to sleep.


p.s. that picture is Dana's haha... Oh Greece...

Secular spirituality vs. Christian spirituality

So I just got back from Kean where I just had an interesting interaction, or maybe a better choice of words would be a frustrating confrontation.

Jenna and I were studying when a random guy seated directly behind me jokingly said, "Keep studying!" and then asked what I was reading. Considering what I was reading I was hesitant to show him because I wasn't sure how he would react to my reading "Shaped by the Word". He made some comment about how we were shaping our spiritual lives. I thought the awkward exchange was over when he added make sure you have a balance of living in the secular world and the spiritual world because I didn't want to become like the Muslims in the middle east and people in N. Korea who made religion their whole lives. I couldn't let it stop there. I said something about how having full awareness of Christ takes us to a place of wholeness and that the secular world is illusory.* He said you have to have enough of life in the secular if you want to have success in the real world. I told him I don't want what the "real world" has to offer, I'm not here to take and absorb the world like a sponge. Finally he said, "Well I'll leave you with this: Mahatma Ghandi once said, 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'" I made a comment about how I thought that was too simplistic but ok (My ire was getting up and I wanted the conversation to end). And he said "Be the change".

First of all bumper sticker spirituality as well as bumper sticker theology annoy me. I get frustrated with trite quotes. Anyway I was more frustrated that I felt like I didn't have the words to respond. Although I realize a person's mindset will not be changed from one interaction. It made me think about how many people in our society look at spirituality as something you use to season your life almost like your life is a food pyramid and spirituality is the vegetables next to the fruit of healthy living and meat of intellectual engagement. How do you explain to someone the Christian paradigm? That our goal is not to make spirituality a part of our lives but to be lost in it, to completely lose ourself so that Christ will transform us into his likeness, our true self. Christian spirituality is different from religious fanaticism and secular spirituality because it is supposed to be a surrender of the whole not just a component and it is not following stark religious rules and codes, it is about following Jesus Christ who embodies the Law. He who became incarnate to live in the real world so that we don't need to "succeed" in the real world as much as we are free to live and love and be loved. How do you explain these mysteries?

vs....


























I don't know.





*Note: I probably was not as eloquent as my summary would suggest.

dun dun dun....

Cbest time!!! The future is in my hands.... haha not really. I expect this test to be like the CAT test I used to take in grade school, but maybe I'm just cocky. Either way...

Prodigal

Returning to the Father is done on a road of brokenness. The passage is payed through ego shattering humility. Pride and pretenses must be abandoned for the sake of this love in the distance. There are points when the prodigal must crawl over shards of rock and broken glass all in the aim of making the painful pilgrimmage back home.



O Repentant, repentant
Wounded am I.
The whole cannot be reconciled
The shadow, the false, the true.

My heart, my love is stunted
Exposed am I.
Stripped of my mask and my costume
Simply and ashamedly myself.

O Repentant, repentant
Ashamed am I.
Ubiquitous are the reminders of the past
Uncovered are the graves of sin and memories buried.

My soul, my spirit is raw
Crushed am I.
The layers of falsehood are being shed because
The way is only admitted to those who have left it all behind.

O Repentant, repentant
Distressed am I.
At your door I stand naked with all my defenses cast aside
Awkwardly waiting and hoping that you will, at the very least, heal me.

More than healing he brings,
More than salvation is given.

"Welcome home my child,
find rest and comfort with me here."
You wrap me in new clothes.
Your words and eyes tell me I am finally home.

blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise




I love this song. It reminds me of my mom, it takes me back home where it nighttime and I can hear the sounds of my mom's smooth voice singing softly with the plucking of her Taylor guitar. I always imagined she was singing it to us.

r e s t

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all time, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8